A Ramadan Experience: The Highs And Lows Of Faith.
As long as we breathe, we will get tested. And our prayer is that we learn from our trials, that we gain strength from the struggles, that we rise above the pain, that it makes us better, more humble and more grateful.
Trials very, some are big but MA Sha Allah, Allah gives us the strength and ability to tackle them. And some are small yet somehow we find ourselves struggling, I suppose those are the ones that are suppose to humble us, remind us that we are at Allah’s mercy.
Every living being must taste death; and We test you with harm and with good — a trial; and to Us only you have to return.(21:35)
Last Ramadan I went through the scariest days of my life.
The month started off well, Allahamdulilah. I was excited, for the first time I had actually prepared for the month, spiritually and mentally. I had prayed that I made use of it and had planned as such. And with Allah’s mercy, it was as though the peace and serenity of the holy month radiated on me. It was the first time I had felt an honest connection to month, before then I never really understood the depths of why people got overly excited about it.
But then a week or so into the month things started to change. Afterall, we plan and Allah plans and He is the best planner.
One night I was doing some research for a book I was writing. I was searching about tribes, and one thing led to another and I was articles deep, reading about Islam and terrorism.
And in the midst of my readings I stumbled on an infamous young person. I could faintly remember his story, so I decided to check. And somehow I found myself deep into his story, reading every article and opening every connection and affiliations. And part of his affiliations was a Shaykh I listened to fondly, he was soft spoken when he preached, he preached islam as it was, peace, brotherhood, Allah’s laws without any sugarcoat. To say I was heartbroken that he was associated with something like, something that stood against what islam was, what he preached was an understatement. I kept digging, hoping to find just a single sentence that cleared his name. Though, there wasn’t any clear proof of his affiliations, the US government was powerful enough to destroy his family and tarnish his image. That day I slept feeling somewhat disassociated, it didn’t make sense that someone like him would do something like that. I know people are not always what they seem but still.
A day or two later, I saw a video of a man who usually makes random videos, mostly Islamic based but not particularly preaching- just his life as a Muslim in a non Muslim country. But that particular video was of him telling his subscribers why he left Islam. He spoke about inhumanity as an act of Godlessness, he spoke about what was "logically" right; the big bang and all. And I remember just staring at my screen wondering how he let go. How he went from a man who made videos about instilling Islam in your children at a young age, to a man who doesn’t believe in God entirely. And his comment sections was an entourage of ex Muslims who were congratulating him for finally finding his senses. And I kept wondering what drove them, what inspired the hate they breathe on the comment section? The whole thing made me uneasy. Maybe I let it get to me more than it should, thinking of the Shaykh and thinnest chance that those allegations were true and all those people who just stopped believing. Or the thought that the allegations were false but then why did Allah let someone who gave his life to the course of Islam be humiliated like that, his family was killed, his name tarnished. Astagafurullah, I know they are wrong thoughts but they were there, the whispers were there. The whispers, the terrible, terrible whispers and then the doubts, well, they weren’t doubt as much as they were pestering sensation. A sensation that knotted my stomach and made my heart clasp. I could feel my anxiety drowning me as all the thougths and questions kept flooding. I could feel myself slip away from my faith with every dreadful thought. But I couldn’t stop it, it kept growing and growing and I could feel myself voided and scared.
And before I knew it, I was caught up in not just doubt or a pestering sensation, I wondered the kind of God that gave up on people who tried. The question mortified me but my brain was already creating more questions. And then the thought of me letting go came, of Allah giving up on me, it was not easy. I was battling with myself, it wasn’t like anxiety or the void, it was different. Everything I knew and believed was on the line. Islam is home, it’s my way of life and everything in my life is paved on it. To question not just Islam but the entirety of God was overwhelming and agonising. It was the most petrifying thing I had ever gone through. I knew that Islam is the one, I knew that God is gracious and merciful and Just. But I couldn’t believe or feel it.
My prayers felt like I did them out of habit, fasting was more or less the same. I would physically go for tahajjud and tarawi yet, I had to keep at bay every pouncing doubt that kept barging in.
During sujood I would pray that Allah gave me the strength to hold on to the strand of faith I had. I would pray for His love and the courage to love Him back, for the ability to recognize and feel His presence.
Ramadan finished without my plans setting in, I didn’t recite nor reflect the whole Quran, I barely read half of it, I didnt go to as much tahajjud or tarawi as I wanted to, the tafsir I had planned to listened to just sat there. But I suppose that was THE PLAN from the start. Because nothing happens except if He wills it so.
And God! They were really frightening days Subahanallah, days filled with voids and lost hope and uncertainty. But He pulled me through, it wasn’t easy but the bigger the trial the bigger the reward. And He does not try you expect if He loves you. I look back and I say Allahamdulilah, that He gave me in the midst of my doubts the strength to hold on to whatever strand of faith I had left, to pray even when I didn’t feel any connection and seek for His guidance even when my faith was fractured.
With it, Allah guides whoever obeys the will of Allah to the paths of peace, and takes them out of darkness towards light by His command, and guides them to the Straight Path.(5:16)
Allah knows that I wouldn't ever want to go through that experience again but I’m glad I did.
Say, O dear Prophet “Nothing shall befall us except what Allah has destined for us; He is our Master; and the Muslims must rely only on Allah.” (9:51)
And as for the ex Muslims and the scholars or the Shaykhs that were falsely or rightly accused, Allahu A’alam ( Allah knows best). Only He knows what was in their hearts or what they have done. He is Most Just and He will bring everyone to Justice when we return to him.
Do they not know that Allah knows all whatever they hide and whatever they disclose? (2:77)
And those who believed and whose descendants followed them in faith - We will join with them their descendants, and We will not deprive them of anything of their deeds. Every person, for what he earned, is retained. (52:21)
It’s yet another Ramadan, not like the rest. For the first time congressional prayers (tarawi, tahajjuad and mostly likely eid) will not be performed in masjids. Umrah and Hajj are cancelled due to the corona pandemic but as everything else this is a trial and Allah’s decree. He that put us in it will pull us out of it.
Ya Allah make our trials easy for us, may we learn what we are suppose to learn. Give us the strenght to hold onto you, the courage to do the right thing, the patience and endurance through it all. Give us the ability to make the best of this Ramadan despite the pandemic.
Those affected by this virus or any form of illnesses, grant them shifa, those lost to it bestowe Your rahama on their graves and protect those that have not been affected.
