Travelling with Weight

Working with fear after being raped while travelling.

I’m just home from a little trip to Portugal, and it’s interesting, the experience of travelling alone again, with everything that opens up. I noticed it last year when I went to five different countries. By winter I was completely overwrought and had real challenges regulating myself — I hadn’t left enough time between each trip to process what happened, because I didn’t realise that travel is now a huge trigger for me. After being raped in Italy while travelling Europe, there is memory and fear held in my body, and travel is a different kind of challenge now. I’m not going to avoid it, rather the opposite, but it is fascinating to feel the changes inside myself and the fear that opens. I’m working to stay curious with it all.

Travelling on the bus and sitting by the window became feeling trapped by the window because of the strange man sitting beside me. It wasn’t a real threat. Actually, he was beyond kind, noticed my discomfort, and shifted to another seat to leave me space which filled me with gratitude and grief all at the same time. I was never in any danger, and encounter such kind people, and kind men, but I feel how high my anxiety and fear can rise. It’s a big work, turning off the alarm system, winding down the fear-voices, second guessing whether it was fear or intuition, should I let my guard down now or not…