How I Stopped Feeling Guilty for Indulging in Food
I got fed up of dining along with guilt
Sitting at the cafe down my street, I start the day with a buttery coated baguette dipped in my cappuccino (damn! It tastes like Heaven), then, even if I don’t need one, I still order a croissant to sponge what’s left of the cold beverage.
For lunch? A simple, tasty sandwich made with care by a local producer: comté cheese, ham on the bone, and a crucial detail: pickles. And a Nutella-smothered bagel.
A new version of dinner just hit the town in the form of a coconut yogurt, mixed with chocolate/coconut cereals along with a banana/coconut smoothie. I choose to remain ignorant regarding coconut calories.
A couple of weeks ago, guilt would have suffocated me at the sheer sight of this menu and I would have been incapable to enjoy a single bite without convincing myself to go sleep at the gym then while feeding from seaweeds-based food detox-certified by Gisele Bundchen.
I never questioned the guilt-seeping sensation that followed each mouthful of pastries or creamy pasta.
I thought Hades would gladly welcome my soul in the underworld after I emptied a pack and a half of industrial chocolate crepes; before spending the rest of the evening drinking gallons of water because “water has the power to absorb calories, right?”
As if self-flogging and obsessing over potential future cellulite was the only and normal way to approach each meal that did not feature healthy food.
This mindset ruined all the fun of eating, tarnished my relationship with food and anchored the illusion that one needs to be thin to live a full and happy life. I got tired of it.
I got tired of being mean to myself but I also realized that caring about what others think is truly exhausting! I was so nervous about what people could think of my sugar cravings, that they would judge me if I eat another piece of cake… Until recently, I was consumed by the self-inflicted, absurd idea of having to look “bomb” by the pool for my brother’s wedding (which is next week and I am currently licking the Nutella off my fingers while writing. Now, that’s what I call goals).
This mindset backfired.
I freaked out at the mere thought of not matching the perfection I projected onto others; I was suffering from this difference instead of accepting the fact that we are unique and that self-confidence comes in all shapes.
I asked myself: why? Where do this idea of being skinny and god forbids I eat junk comes from?
I started to pay attention to the way I perceived other people’s bodies, the words I unconsciously chose to describe myself with or even the importance I gave to physical appearance; so many factors that were shaping my thoughts and self-image.
I came to understand that surrounding myself with people who have a non-judgmental mentality is crucial to my well-being.
I will confess that I am neither on the edge of obesity nor in poor shape, I am talking about a few kilos overweight only, though the psychological torment is nonetheless real.
I decided to face my fear and write publicly about it so I could free myself from the shame I felt whenever I hid to stuff my face with chocolate, the shame of waiting for everyone to be gone so I could run down to the bakery, dominated that I was by my sugary impulses.
Today, I own up to it and eat whatever I usually forbid myself because I refuse to live in the fear of “what will happen if I gain a few pounds?” Being a bit larger would mean I will be unhappy? Invisible? Undesirable? Or being only reduced to my weight as an individual: “Have you seen her lately? She’s gained a little!” Yes, but I know all the lines of Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls and to hell with your opinion! It already feels as good as a croissant dipped in a frothy cappuccino.
So, yes. I am going to eat junk and the world will keep spinning around because, in the end, it’s no one’s business but mine; and when my overloaded liver and painful stomach will ring the alarm, I’ll change my diet.
Pants size isn’t the main goal. It is the freedom or losing and gaining weight without letting this affect my self-esteem.
