Filming Brian for The Peakbaggers Causes High Emotions

Date #782 — Friday Jan 22, 2016

B: This day was very stressful and resulted in some strained moments and some positive resolutions.

After filming Matt’s interview for The Peakbaggers I knew that all interviews for this web series would be emotional. I don’t know what it is about the project — maybe the recollection of moments of isolation, maybe the exposure — but there is a lot of feelings that come up.

The plan was for A to “interview” me and then me to “interview” her. What was logistically tough was that A was filming and guiding me while I setup audio and then talked on camera (and then we would reverse roles). I actually had to talk to a wall while A prompted me. I tried really hard to pretend like I was talking to a person, taking them through the account of our first two journey’s to the highest point in Ontario. I thought I did really well.

I was caught off guard and bit annoyed at the time when A asked me about getting frustrated. She has lots of footage of me getting overwhelmed and irritated. While embarrassed and vulnerable, I am happy she is documenting everything so well. I also thought it was good of her to ask and get that on camera. At the time though, I was a bit scared. I answered honestly that I feel helpless and I cried when I revealed that I am afraid I will drive everyone away and be alone.

Then it was done. The interview was done and I was supposed to jump into a role of filming/audio/interviewing. I didn’t give time to myself to transition. A setup the initial shot and then sat down in front of the camera. When I went to film I saw a reflection in her glasses and suggested moving.

Once we started having to converse about the shot it seemed like our feelings collided. I was feeling a combination of agitation and impatience and I’m not sure what A was feeling. I knew I wanted it to be over and I wasn’t being nice to A. Things kept spiralling and A left.

I took about two hours to myself. I felt really annoyed with A. I felt like she demanded a lot from me in the interview (”tell me about this” “now tell me about this”) and gave no recognition of my efforts. I held on to this thought for awhile. Then I thought about everything else. All the work she’d be doing and how I wasn’t kind or compassionate to her. I felt guilty and awful.

A invited me to a Hurricane’s for dinner and I met up with her there. I apologized profusely. We didn’t actually talk about our feelings or dissect the situation. I never let her know what I just wrote (which is odd). I always want to dissect situations but A seemed to want to move on and I was in no position to argue. I won’t have a better idea of what happened at the bar until I read what she writes above.

It may simply have been that we need to give each other time to process after doing these interviews.

We ended up letting go and laughing and joking and watching the Raptors on TV (something we’ve never done). We had amazing poutine and a great time reminding the other person we do care and love and support the other.

We still had to do her interview and I tried to learn from this experience as best I could.

A: This day was the beginning of a very long process that I wasn’t expecting. I know B is sensitive but I didn’t know how much time would be required to get these interviews done based on that. It’s always a new adventure when we create.

It’s funny reading what B wrote because the elements that bothered him were ones I thought would and that we previously discussed in some way. For example, I made a list of talking points and B told me to list them off when he paused. I’m not a great interviewer, but I think a part of him thinks I am. I took a tip from him which was to say, “Tell me about….” whatever you’re talking point is and I stuck with that because he was familiar with it. I guess that didn’t do any good.

B gets very short with me and very impatient when these interviews are going on, his or mine. I have to admit that I don’t understand the stress, and I don’t feel it, but I try to respect it. He told me that I need to be supportive and positive because the subject needs to be in a good mood, so when it was my turn, and he was short and impatient with me, I wanted to break down in tears. I didn’t think this was far, and it enraged me. So I left.

I don’t want to be someone who is submissive and who puts up with or simply accepts a situation as it plays out. I’m a pretty strong and strong-willed person and I’ve seen passivity ruin people and I’ve promised myself I would not be so. So in a moment like this, yeah I love B, yeah I could’ve taken a deep breathe and helped him transition, yeah I could’ve offered a loving hand, but I was so mad that he just gave me a speech about being positive and supportive and I was getting none of that from him. I will not settle for that.

I invited him to dinner after taking some time to myself. B and I are so, so, so strong-minded that time apart is often a really good idea. We get so, so, so worked up about different things in the same way that we’d just implode iwth passion if we stuck around each other. It’s not healthy. Space can be very healthy, and communicating about it about emotions subside is healthy. So we did that over a massive plate of nachos and poutine. What better way?

We’re still learning how to live together. I hope we never stop, because we’ll always be changing, and thus we must grow together in this.

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