Nous Bruce — Day 4
Date #847 — Tuesday, May 3, 2016
A: This day was the hardest for me both emotionally and physically (although the physical part was actually the easiest, which I will explain later).
I tried to be as prepped as I could have been before going to bed the night before. My lunch was made, coffee ready to brew, bag packed. B was out driving another team and wouldn’t be driving with me the next day either.
I didn’t have a great evening and I think that’s where my troubles began. There was a moment at dinner when I opened a beer (I brought two with me) and I joined the conversation but the response to something I said was, “Says the drunk girl!” and I was totally caught off-guard by how ostracized that comment made me feel. I’d only had a sip and ended up ditching the beer for a quiet room upstairs. A comment like that normally wouldn’t bother me but I was feeling very sensitive for some reason.
We got woken up around 3:45am, earlier than planned, and told we had 5 minutes to get in the car because the team before us was way ahead of schedule (which was so great for the big picture!). We were a 2 hour drive away from the starting point and I was first runner up. I felt barely awake and very rushed, which I expected to happen at some point during the week. I took time in the car, especially when we hit rush hour, to gather my thoughts, but my anxiety grew and grew and I felt like I couldn’t stop it. It was growing out of my control and I didn’t know anyone in the car enough to say something so I tried to deal with it quietly.
When we got close I felt a lot of pressure to hurry because we were late. I didn’t have any time to warm up and I felt uneasy so I didn’t eat. I remember telling my car-mates that I felt really anxious and someone kept saying, “It’s just performance anxiety.” I tried not to take it personally because they really didn’t know me at all but I felt like they were brushing me and my anxiety off. It wasn’t performance anxiety. It was an anxiety attack… but I didn’t know it at the time.
When we arrived, the runner’s backpack was handed to me (it had a GPS and emergency stuff in it) and I tried to warm up but it was such a whirlwind of group selfies and “go go go” that I just left without warming up. I was breathing really loudly when I turned the first corner out of sight and so I stopped to take a moment to evaluate my situation. I didn’t know what to do; my hands were shaking and I was crying and breathing heavily and I was 100% caught off-guard by all of this — like I didn’t even notice it was happening. I called my mom.
She was following me on our online map and was up to watch my GPS dot move every 5 minutes as I ran. She told me to take as long as I needed to get myself together. She told me that I was on my own now and that I could enjoy the run without interruption. She told me that she was running with me.
I didn’t realize until weeks later that I had an anxiety attack on that side road and that it was a bad one. I completely suppressed it. Even now it’s hard for me to write about it. I didn’t realize how upset I was, how I was feeling as part of this group — or not part of it — and how frustrated I was that I tried to voice my thoughts about my anxiety and how quickly they were dismissed.
Although this run was physically my most difficult, I was grateful for it because I had longer to myself to recover. I ran across a golf course that was insanely hilly. Then I ran up two black diamond ski hills. I ran through a concoursed park with defined trails. I stopped to listen to the leaves rustle. I heard a dog. I saw a bunny. I ran along a stream for half a kilometer and then ended up with 500 stairs. At the top, we tagged off and I was 100% better than I was when I started.
Physical challenges are hard, and group dynamics are also hard, especially when you don’t know the people. This day taught me the importance of check ins; of being aware of your physical and emotional self; of interacting in group dynamics; of ensuring that whatever I am involved in has the proper outfit of inclusivity, sensitivity, and mental health training. It taught me that I must remember other people’s experiences and listen to the words they might be saying so that something like this doesn’t happen to others, if I can help it. I don’t know when my anxiety began but I knew in the car that it was out of my control and I wish there had been a chance for me to handle it better because, for the rest of the week, in the back on my head I just wanted to go home.
B: Day 4 was the day we were leaving the first staging house and going to the second. A was off on the run already and I was leaving later, packing up runners and supplies in the van so after everyone’s run we could go to the second house.
I would only see A for brief period of time when she got back before I had to take off with the runners I was driving. When A got back we decided to go for a walk to the beach with our friend before I had to leave with the friend and other runners.
During that time A confessed what happened and we all talked about it and how to move forward.
I knew this run was tough on A. I knew it was tough on everyone. A warned me about a few things before everything began and we did have time to chat about anxiety and group dynamics beforehand.
When A told me about the comments regarding her having a beer I said something like, “that’s not cool.” And added how having a beer post workout has some health benefits. I added that regardless of that, comments like those aren’t necessary. She mentioned the anxiety to me and I told her how it wasn’t OK how others responded and that I am proud of how well she handled everything. I am so happy she was able to get in touch with her Mom.
It was hard for me to hear that. I tried so hard to be supportive and give A everything she needed. I wouldn’t be driving her again until the last day, and I felt a bit nervous about this.
We decided to have a blast taking photos and enjoying the natural beauty. We focused on the positive and it was a really nice moment.
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