02/07/2019

3 things that you are grateful for:

- For this work (and the ability to do it)

- For the morning sunshine

- For this complex organism and senses

1 thing that you can do better:

- No ego

Thoughts:

I finally realize that I had never really wanted any love or validation from outside, all the love and validation that I’ve ever needed was my own. And stupid enough I never properly give it to me because I thought that I was flawed in some way or not good enough for it, missing or lacking something, always demanding more and never being satisfied. So I forbade myself something that was already mine. I was a tyrant with myself and my worst coach. For most of my life I’ve never speak kindly with myself because I saw it like a sign of weakness, afraid that if I will stop being a tyrant with myself I will get soft and lazy and not perform at a better level. I didn’t get rid of the tyrant entirely because I still need him for some balance but I’ve change the language that I use with myself to be more helpful and truer. All the love from the peoples around me never meant anything (I couldn’t feel it), not as long as I was not loving myself and not feeling good in my own skin.

All that ever matter for me were the opinions that I have about myself when I was by myself. Everything else was and is still noise, all that matters is the reputation you have with yourself when is no one around except your demons, critics and angles (your creation by the way). You are the creator of your own reality, your mind is the supercomputer and you are the one that created the programs that runs on it. So everything you experience will be filtered by the filters you have created. It’s all on you, the beauty or the misery that the programs are creating (you are the one that made them). Your perception is your own making (your lenses), all you experience and feel inside is because of you. You are entirely responsible for the responses and the meaning you give to what happens to you.

All that I’ve tried and search for was a way to better express myself through the things and skills I’ve learn. Ways for getting what is outside of me and use it to express what is inside. The process of molding the reality that was in front of me so it reflects my unique existence. And through that process of creating something of my own, i also try to transform through my work, to get better of expressing myself through my craft, to expose myself naked to the world (and not giving a fuck), to be real and destroy all the shallowness and superficiality in my thoughts, words, art and being, to be completely open and taking everything in, shape that with my uniqueness and give it all out and keep doing that until my own existence will melt in the structure of reality itself, to go deep inside and outside and understand what is (reality and my own nature), to expand and grow. Yah! that would be nice.

More often than not I wanted the results but not the process (being against the P/PC balance). And this is so wrong and stupid because the easier you get the results the less you value them. There is and should not be any value put on the results that you get without any effort (mentally or physically). The value of a result is proportionally increasing with the amount of struggle and work that you put in. There is no satisfaction in getting results that you don’t deserve, you didn’t pay the price or drop any sweat for them. Is a formula for a weak and unattractive character. So the idea is that everything you want requires work, and like Jocko is saying: get out there and get some. The advice being: Deserve what you want.

There is no need for someone to understand you. I do.

There is no need to be with someone. I will be with you till the end of your days.

You can give yourself to the world and serving others, but you will always be mine, and belong to me, because we are one and the same.

I don’t know what will happen next or what the future hold, but I know the we will be together till this decay body and hearth will stop, shut down all the processes and along with them this consciousness and awareness of your own existence (you will get back to the state that you were before coming in this world: nonbeing). All this beautiful experience and moments that you crafted (and vice versa) will fade to oblivion forever and will be game over for you. And who knows maybe you need to forget them so you will have a fresh new start in new context and shape. You will wonder, play, suffer, laugh and live again (maybe better this time).

Or who know maybe the things are very simple and obvious. You are just a primate with a bigger brain (so therefore you like to overthink everything), and because your more enhanced neuronal structures, during childhood and the domestication process, you’ve became at a point in time self-conscious and because of that you think that you are something special, more that what it seems, because you are able to have thoughts about your thoughts and think recursively. Who knows maybe you are nothing and everything at the same time. You got it, it makes no sense everything is a contradiction, all the opposites are secretly one and everything is relative to your own perceptions.

Every thought has and emotion attached, and that emotion implies a change in the chemistry of your brain, which creates different realities and dimensions of your being.

Notes:

True statements in any situation:

-This too will pass

-Ego is the enemy

-The obstacle is the way

Daily Stoic:

Ego is the enemy:

10 tips for a better brain (Jim Kwik):

1. Diet (you are what you eat)

2. Kill ANTs (Automatic Negative Talk, 10 day challenge on fasting negativity)

3. Exercise (As your body moves your brain grows)

4. Brain nutrients (supplements & minerals)

5. Positive peer group (your 5 chimps)

6. Clean environment (your external reflects what is internal)

7. Sleep (for brain growth and memory consolidation)

8. Brain protection

9. New leanings (use it or lose it)

10. Stress management (meditation & yoga)

Day review:

5:46 Wake up

Movement in the garden and playing with Mike (family cat)

Read, write and post on medium.

Start listening a video from London real with Ryan Holiday

Cold Shower

Eat (yogurt, banana and some pie)

Finish the video and write the things I’ve learn yesterday form Jim

Prepare for my ‘date’

Walk till the café and while waiting I start listening to Jason Silva about our points of view

Next I had two wonderful hours (9:50–11:50) with a smart and lovely girl

During these hours I preferred to let everything flow and give as much of me I’ve could and I turned out more the ok.

Next we said good bye and after getting home I’ve got an instant sleep

After getting up with no food on my system some deep thoughts start to pop up

So I start capturing them on my notebook and after that writing them on the thoughts section

Eat some dark chocolate

On 20:30 I get out for an evening walk and meet a relative and start taking for some minutes

Then walk till the church and right when I was before the entrance the same lovely person from the café was getting out.

I wish her a good evening and unfortunately instead of accompanying her I’ve gone to bathroom to wash my face because I was very sweaty

Then I was talking with a guy from the church stairs and then walk back home (running a little)

Home we had some family talk

And then I started this review