An Open Letter to the Person Who Destroyed the Person Who Ripped the Person Who Smashed the Person Who Crushed the Person Who Kicked the Crap Out of the Person Who Attacked the Yelp Employee Who Got Fired

please follow me i’m a big deal

Dear persons who are just tearing that shit up,

I wanted to thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts about this continuing controversy, which is undoubtedly of great national importance and speaks to all sorts of reasons why we should follow you on Twitter. Until I read the titles of your pieces and the many others that inspired them, I’d never really understood the purpose of Medium.

But you’ve shown me the light: this web 3.0 blogging platform exists so that we can stack our clickbait posts one atop the other, layering them like Russian nesting dolls as we scale our socially shareable brands and synergize our viral content.* With these preliminaries out of the way, here’s my contribution to the genre:

a) You’re wrong about that person being wrong about that person being wrong about that person being wrong about that person being wrong about that person being wrong about that person being wrong about that person being wrong about Millennials. Millennials are totally different than that, aren’t they? Maybe so. Nowadays, I see them on public transportation reading e-books and listening to This American Life on their cellular telephones. They’re always complaining about stupid crap, but then again, so is everybody else. That part is important, and don’t you forget it. Millennials!

b) You’re wrong about that person being wrong about that person being wrong about that person being wrong about that person being wrong about that person being wrong about that person being wrong about that person being wrong about Yelp. Yelp is a company that exists in the world and also on my phone. Like every other company existing in these two places (the world and my phone), it doesn’t pay its employees enough, nor does it pay me enough for using it. In fact, it pays me nothing. That’s such a shame, because I use it all the time.

c) You’re wrong about that person being wrong about that person being wrong about that person being wrong about that person being wrong about that person being wrong about that person being wrong about that person being wrong about personal responsibility. Like many of you, I have personal responsibility. I get up before noon two or three days a week and I once worked at a restaurant. I also have agents. Did I mention that? I have agents that represent me for different things. This is very notable, especially at my ripe young age (32). I got these agents because I am well known. I will be even more well known once all of you start giving me hell for writing this. I am a smug bastard, and I deserve both your rage and your follows. Thanks for reading.

d) You’re wrong about that person being wrong about that person being wrong about that person being wrong about that person being wrong about that person being wrong about that person being wrong about that person being wrong about not having enough to eat. I don’t know about you, but I am very hungry. I ate a bowl of cereal a couple of hours ago — shredded wheats, mind you, so lots of fiber — but now my stomach is growling again. While you’re hating on me and helping me grow my brand, please buy a url (www.thatsalotofshreddedwheat.com, perhaps) and devote it to pictures of shredded wheat that you’ve stolen from the Instagram account I recently disabled.

e) You’re wrong about that person being wrong about that person being wrong about that person being wrong about that person being wrong about that person being wrong about that person being wrong about that person being wrong about pursuing a liberal arts major at a top American university. I majored in the liberal arts and it has enabled me to write this eloquent response to all of these other responses. Back when I was a callow undergrad jock taking my paper classes at the University of North Carolina, I would while away the lonely hours thinking to myself how this nonexistent 3-credit hour course would give me the skills I need to respond to extremely scalable and brand-building controversies. Did I mention I have two agents and am a jock? It’s true. Please note this and act accordingly.

In conclusion, I’d like to say that you folks are a bunch of jerks sorely lacking in the most important human qualities: heart, soul, and THAC0. I hope you and your millions of readers click on this devastating attack I’ve written, skim right to the bottom, and then bury me six feet deep with vitriolic rebuttals. Insult my family, call my various preferences into question, and by all means, fit-shame or fat-shame me depending on your personal taste. I expect nothing but the worst from each of you.

Best wishes for a great summer,

“Oscar” Bateman

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*Also, it doesn’t allow the two-spaces-after-the-period move we were taught in clerical skills class, which I’m sure editors who have to find-and-replace that crap love with all their hearts.