Dear Amazon…

(Open Letter Experiment?)

NOTE: This is the FULL/LONG version. For the SHORTER VERSION, Click Here.

[Disclaimer: I do NOT hate Amazon; I’m actually a big fan! So this is not a “F*** You” letter; more like “Dude, Come on, WTF?! Seriously?!” like I’d send to a friend]

OK, HERE’S THE SITUATION…

(mpwaoawv)

— Item ordered: January 22

NOTE: I realize that 87.3% of people will hate me when they see what the item is, but, in the spirit of full disclosure & transparency: I ordered a New England Patriots t-shirt — and was hoping to have it in time for the Super Bowl. [For the record, I’m not some bandwagon fan getting my first shirt for the Super Bowl — I grew up in Massachusetts, lifelong fan; I have other Patriots shirts, just really liked this particular design with the old logo.)]

— Shipping Confirmation: January 24

— Item Still Not Received!

[EDITOR’S NOTE: Sorry, I think I left out one *IMPORTANT LITTLE DETAIL]

If you’re wondering what the big deal is… um… well… ya see… the thing is…

*THOSE DATES ARE ALL FROM 2017!!!

Yeah. The Super Bowl I was hoping to have the shirt for was NOT Patriots vs. Eagles. It was PATRIOTS VS. FALCONS. I ORDERED IT OVER A YEAR AGO!

NOTE: I don’t post this image to rub salt in the wounds of Atlanta fans; rather, because it’s relevant to the Amazon/shirt story… because it was right around this point in the 3rd quarter, with the Patriots down 28–3, that my superstitious friends and I decided we needed to make some changes to help change the Patriots’ luck. I took off my Drew Bledsoe jersey (that I’d worn during several other Patriots’ Super Bowls over the last 16 years); and, as I searched for something else to become a good luck shirt, I thought to myself, “Damn! That shirt still never showed up from Amazon!”

MOVING ON WITH THE STORY:

I first attempted to contact Amazon in late February. Their site instructed me to contact the seller. So I did…

Above is my original message (to seller), March 1, 2017

Her response March 5th: “Hello, your package has been sent, we apologize to inform you that the recent strict customs check caused by logistics delay, causing inconvenience to you please forgive us, we will solve problem as soon as possible! please wait patiently!”

Yes, obviously that sounds like a load of crap...

BUT, I always like to give people the benefit of the doubt!

[I mean, MAYBE this “Makayla Adermann” was a down-on-her-luck, single mom, working 3 jobs to support 5 kids, and she was just going through a difficult/stressful time in her life!?!]

Obviously the grammar and “…recent strict customs check caused by logistics delay…” were big RED FLAGS…

… but, whatever, I figured it had already been 6 weeks, so I might as well cut her some slack and “wait patiently” as she requested…

Then, admittedly, I kinda forgot about it for a few months — I think I got busy and/or distracted (by work? by a girl? or maybe just by a shiny object — IamADD.com)…

Anyway, I emailed again on May 10th

I even tried to be nice and let her off the hook with options to rectify the situation:

“It’s now been MONTHS! Still has not arrived! Please re-send a new one or refund my money. Thank you!”

I’m not sure what I did wrong (probably too many exclamation points!!!), but I think “Makayla” was mad at me now; because she started giving me the silent treatment.

[Time passed… Hurricane Harvey happened… Hurricane Irma happened… Hurricane Maria happened… (so I had PERSPECTIVE — I realized my Amazon/shirt frustrations were not important in the grand scheme of things, amid all that suffering)…]

I wrote back again on September, 22nd — explaining it had now been EIGHT (8) MONTHS and closing with some historical context for how long it had been (“P.S. Barack Obama was still President when I ordered this!”)

Shockingly, no response.
[Ok, I know you’re busy (and I’m wordy AF), so let’s fast-forward a few months…]

For those who will inevitably say I should have handled this differently… I don’t necessarily disagree... BUT, please look at the following screenshots and let me know what else YOU think I should have done?

• I found the link for “Help with order” — Good first step?

• I clicked “Package didn’t arrive”… (Everybody cool with that so far?)

Wait, I’m sorry, what shipping Carrier is that again?!?
Not UPS or FedEx or USPS, but “E??” ???

• I always found it particularly helpful that it consistently said “Expected by Feb 9” (even as New Years Eve was approaching!)
• Trusting the process, I continued following all instructions. But, alas, still nothing. #SadFace

• So, for the 3rd (maybe 4th) time in 2017, I clicked the button that says:

“Still can’t find it”

which repeatedly brought me to:

I’d been here multiple times before. But, for those of you following along at home, which one do YOU think I should have picked???

[Spoiler Alert: I tried BOTH. Multiple times. No response. #Crickets]

Sorry, this is way too long already… let’s skip ahead to the good stuff!

I regret I didn’t take a screenshot of her page back in January, 2017 when I made the purchase, but I assure you, her feedback did NOT look then like it does NOW!

(All of these reviews came AFTER my order)

OH SH*T!!!

Apparently this was NOT just an honest mistake by a respectable, hard-working, entrepreneurial seller who was simply disorganized, down on her luck, or otherwise deserving of my understanding, compassion, or the benefit of the doubt! Evidently, I got SCAMMED by a devious, calculating, manipulative, lactose-intolerant, predatory, CYBER-CRIMINAL MASTERMIND!!!

Hey, Amazon… buddy… pal… Hypothetical question — So, how long do you let a seller like that stay on your platform?!? And, if/when you determine you’ve got a scammer on your hands, do you ever notify all the people like me who were still patiently waiting for goods that we purchased? (Just curious — asking for a friend)

IN CONCLUSION:

So, Amazon, my dear friend…

It was $17.77.
Paid in January of 2017.

Here’s the part I’d just like you to just take my word for:
If, IF, *IF* I had gotten the money back right away (or if I hadn’t been scammed by this “Makayla Adermann” in the first place), I would have used the money to buy CryptoCurrency, via CoinBase, I’d have split it evenly between BitCoin ($5.92), Etherium ($5.92), and LiteCoin ($5.92) — and I can’t tell you what I would have done with the extra penny… it’s a SECRET!

Additionally, I assure you I’d have had the foresight to pull the money out in December, on exactly the day that BitCoin peaked (because I’m wicked smaht!)… So, I’ve done the math for you and my $17.77 would now be worth $269.69.

So this is my official request to ask you to rectify the $ituation with a one-time restitution payment of *$269.69.

*And if you want to throw in an extra $12,000 (for pain and suffering? self-imposed punitive damages? $1000 for each of the 12 months I’ve been in limbo? or just as a big thank you for bringing the situation to your attention?), I hereby publicly promise to use 100% of whatever you give me to fund the launch of RandomJobsOfKindness.com, in an effort to spread kindness and compassion and make the world a better place (where people are less likely to scam one another!)…

[Or, if you prefer, we could settle this with an old fashioned DUEL, at high noon, on the dusty road, outside the tavern, in the center of town.]

I look forward to hearing back from you!

Your Friend,
Jeff

P.S. A Message to “Makayla Adermann” (though I kinda doubt that’s your real name) — IF you somehow ARE a real person, please feel free to contact me (Jeff@StartupWhatever) if you would like to dispute any of the above or request I remove your name from this page — or if you’d like to get together for dinner, drinks, and… I don’t know, maybe you could bring along that T-shirt I bought from you over a year ago??