Open Letters To
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Open Letters To

OPEN LETTERS

An Open Letter to Cancel Culture

Now you’ve ensnared Whoopi Goldberg?

Photo by Glenn Carstens-Peters on Unsplash

Dear Cancel Culture,

If I’ve got this right, your mission is to instantly kill — metaphorically and socially — whoever pisses you off, you moody snowflake.

No more publicity, fame, or fancy-shmancy charity dinners for whoever gets ensnared in your razor-sharp talons, amiright?

It’s the kiss of death for any article but bear with me while I get philosophical. To paraphrase Nietzsche, who would be so canceled by now — supposing Truth were a movie star, what then? [1]

According to historians, you were first recorded in Rome, when Jesus was doing a talk-show interview and blurted out:

“Everyone knows spaghetti and pizza are high carb and bad for your health.”

The Emperor — a known carboholic — felt personally attacked and canceled his ass. The rest of Italy, who loved pizza for obvious reasons, turned on Jesus, too.

At first, Jesus was blackballed from talk shows, TV, and gladitorial events. He moved to the coast and, much like Steve Carrell’s character in The Morning Show, lived in a villa with a canine companion and a raging espresso habit.

This is not widely reported in the history books. Then some nobody made a joke at the Emperor’s expense about his pizza gut, and it re-opened the wound. Next thing you know, JC was rounded up and both of them were crucified.

Before the internet, crucifixions were bloodier but not less lethal.

It’s usually sex that brings the highest of the high down to earth, but nowadays any false move can get you got.

Whoopi opened her mouth, as comedians do all the time, and gave an opinon on race relations, or history, or revisionist history, or some other thing. I’m not 100% clear what the hell was going on.

Are you seriously telling me Whoopi is really a holocaust denier, or minimizer? Can no one say what they think anymore, or misspeak, or simply be misinformed?

Or is she just too old to keep on television?

We all know, CC, that TV is a tightrope without a net because even if doesn’t make you famous, it sure as hell feels like you’re a star. Who among us can stay sane after fame washes over us like a waterfall of cosmic love? Are we not all vulnerable to becoming prideful, even corrupt?

Since now Whoopi is persona non-grata , I feel no one can escape your clutches. She’s hardly inexperienced in the fame game, and she’s known to be a Good Person.

Tom Hanks will probably be next. What if he says he thinks LARPing helps build social skills? I’m not implying that Forrest Gump would ever say that, but what if?

Are you willing to cancel Oprah if she says out loud she thinks Canada is a shithole country and curling is a batshit crazy pastime?

Or is Orpah too rich to be canceled?

This brings me to my main concern: me.

How rich do I have to be to escape your clutches? I only want to know because in my fevered fantasies I shall one day save a school bus full of children and skyrocket to fame. I dread the possibility I’ll get canceled a week later because I shoplifted when I was 15 and once cheated on a biostats test.

Hey, they gave two of us the test in the library, unsupervised. Stats is hard, okay?

I’ll need to be richer than Whoopi and, maybe richer than Bill Cosby, but I guess it all depends on my transgression.

Please write back and tell me what it’ll cost to buy my way out of being canceled. I don’t want to blaze into the stratosphere only to be shot down into ignominy a week later.

Thanks in Advance,

Icarus

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Open Letters are sent to the world and beyond. Here we say what must be said, whether it is harsh, humorous, or even a teensy bit passive aggressive. Share your open letters with the world, the meta-physical, or your micro-managing boss.

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Jean Campbell

Jean Campbell

Writer by day, reader by night, napper by afternoon.

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