OPEN LETTERS

An Open Letter to My Jackass Neighbor Who Thinks it's Okay to Mow his F— ing Lawn at 7am

You’re exactly why we’ll look for more land next time we move

Dear Discourteous, Obnoxious, Jackass neighbor from next door:

In what universe is it ever acceptable to make anything that involves droning landscaping noises from a mower, leaf blower, or otherwise before 8 am? Seriously!

You’re our motivation to buy our next home surrounded by nothing but land. And I’m talking acres of it!

Some fantasize about palatial estates, three-car garages, and adding on a sport court. We just want more real estate between us and others who can’t control the urge to get up just after daylight and disturb the natural order of a quiet morning.

There’s one in every neighborhood — you know who I’m talking about, but just in case:

He’s the one making noise when the rest of us are just putting the kettle on, about to let the dog out and are trying to navigate where we left our workout gear the night before. Yea — that guy!

I get that you’re retired and most likely don’t have a lot to do or anywhere to go, as evidenced by starting up the mower and getting busy on the side where…