OPEN LETTERS
An Open Letter to My Weird Family
It’s me Custard, the cat with the hottest tail in town
Dear weirdoes,
Ever since I joined you guys I really do not know what you look like. At the rate at which you rapidly change your appearance, I wouldn’t be able to spot you in a crowd. Thank God you are always home.
Be it the master who has been growing his hair since the beginning of this pandemic and spending hours making homemade hair accessories. Really? Have you nothing better to do? Perhaps not, since you don’t take the car out to drive anyplace anymore. If you don’t use it, there is no way to know that it's giving trouble!
Or the madame who has been suffering from the No-Place-to-Sing syndrome and dressing up every single day, in character, singing Opera at home. You treat me as the audience, frantically crying and laughing like I have no brain! I too have ears you know? Your kids and husband work from home. Have you no consideration?
Her daughter is no less, splashing a new color on her hair every single day. Her tresses are like our very own rainbow at home, without the rain, thank God! I feel no ecstasy when I spot a real rainbow now, and that’s sad!
And the son. He is the tech jerk who orders a new phone and iPad to match his attire! Seriously? You order my cat food cans from Amazon to save money, buy me no cat toys as you think I do not need them, and spend it all decorating yourself. Have you not realized you have been stuck at home for a year, and the only true spectator is me?
I have news for you! You ALL look horrible. Just because I sweetly Meaw every time I see a change in you does not mean I appreciate it! What happened? Cat got your tongue?
So I have also tried to follow in your footsteps. I shaved off my tail. “Ouch!”, you exclaimed. “What happened? Something bit you?”
No. I shaved off my tail to make it the most appealing cattail in town
Should I also whine as I cringe seeing you suffer from that pain you inflict on yourself after every tattoo? You spend moolah to get artificial nails made only to help you work better and then bite your lip when one inadvertently hits a hard surface. My eyes are 3-dimensional. I can see it all.
I am the talk of the backyard now. Other cat friends are jealous of my new look. Have you seen a cattail without any hair and a bushy end? It’s the new fashion statement.
The neighborhood has been asking me where I got it. Well, I learned to use the razor. I see my mistresses using it in different places all day! I have better observation skills than you humans!
My friend crow has submitted my name to the most exotic animal show in Africa. I will be riding there on his back. For once I would be doing something else other than just pretending that you guys are normal. I will not miss you. This is my license to fame and fortune.
Au Revoir,
Custard
Shireen is an avid writer, budding Opera singer, apprentice nurse, dog sitter, dog walker, walker…. Jack of all trades and master of one — Mother to two children aged 8 and 10!
