An Open Letter to People Who Shorten Names
The power and importance of names
Dear Name Shorteners,
My name is Christopher, not Chris or “C”. Nor, as the postal service likes to abbreviate it, Christoph.
WTF?
I know it’s really hard to cram those two extra syllables in there. What the heck is “to-pher” anyway? Depending on how you pronounce it, it either sounds like redneck slang for “two things” or a very specific foot fetish.
Chris is so easy, just slips right off the tongue.
It’s a golden name really, made for kings, superheroes, and movie stars. Christopher, though, ugh — come on — such multi-lettered mullarkey.
Such long-lettered snobbishness.
How dare I take a name so expansive and obtrusive to your vocabulary. The gall of my parents. Those six extra letters make it laborious.
Besides, I know that you are so overflowing with brilliance that to exert the energy necessary to say my full name is borderline sinful.
I mean, with all the extra oxygen and mouth noises that you save, you could be curing cancer or extrapolating on the intricacies of your latest astrological discovery.
