OPEN LETTERS
An Open Letter to Snow
You are evil
Dear Snow,
You are pretty, pristine, and magical. I detest you. Driving during a snowstorm terrifies me. Watching you fall from the sky gives me a full-blown panic attack! The last thing I crave after a hard day’s work is cleaning you off my car and then driving while you create havoc on the roads!
Plus, you need to go on a diet because you are heavy to shovel! Thanks to you, I have a sore back. I realize I should have bent my knees while clearing away your heaviness, but I didn’t. You should drop from the sky in moderation. A flurry here and there would be ideal.
Remember the time you brought your sadistic buddy Freezing Rain with you?! I was stuck on my outdoor steps because my feet were sliding all over the place and I feared falling and shattering a body part. I heard you chuckle as I dropped to my hands and knees and crawled back to my home after giving up. You’re mean.
Kids admire you as they sled through your fluffiness. Schools close, making you the kids’ advocate. Adults, especially me, do not share their enthusiasm.
What does Mother Nature think? Did you inform her you got critical reviews on Yelp? Does she understand your behavior causes car accidents and broken hips? Shame on you!
Don’t get me started on snow ball fights that promote bullying behavior, causing unpopular kids to cry.
And you get free food! I saw you munching on your carrot stick nose.
I wish you would emulate your cousin, Sunshine. Sunshine brings warmth and happiness. Hang out with Sunshine and have a margarita. Become nice and kind.
But wait, Sunshine has a malicious streak. I remember having bright red burnt skin and swollen lips one summer. Maybe just hang out with the clouds?
Do us all a favor and please go into hibernation during the winter months.
Sincerely,
A human looking for perfect weather
