Open Letters To
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Open Letters To


An Open Letter to Tracking Chip Avoiders

From a Former Fed Who Knows Things

Photo by Chris Yang on Unsplash

Dear Tracking Chip Avoiders,

Prepare yourselves. For I, a retired federal employee, am about to finally spill the beans. I am going to blow the lid off how the government uses tracking devices to find you.

Buckle your seatbelts, it’s about to get bumpy.

Here’s the thing. We can find you. That’s right, you. Despite all your fastidious measures to hide from us, we have found a way to get our clutches on you, probably within the hour.

Unfortunately, your use of an aging clunker, “because all the new cars have chips in them,” has been in vain. Also, your heroic stance against vaccines has also been a dud in keeping you safe from us. Despite all of your precautions, we have outsmarted you.

How did we do it?

Brace yourself. We did it by not using tracking chips. That’s right, we have never planted a single tracking chip in a single human being. And as for automobiles — yes we’ve used them, but never on people like you, and only then when our first method failed.

What kind of devious alien technology has enabled us to find you without trackers? Hold your head tightly now, for it’s about to explode.

Our secret weapon is a thing called a street address.

This devious piece of information has actually been in use for hundreds of years, and it’s so effective, we’ve only rarely had to resort to tracking cars. And it’s saved us a ton of money too. Instead of spending billions on tracking technology, we just match the name on your tax return or Social Security check to the address provided.

P.O. box addresses? No problem. Our backup plan is called a phone book. Whether in print or online, 99 percent of you and your street addresses are in there.

Unlisted number? No problem. Did you know that all your online activity is recorded by your telecommunications provider? That’s right. Every time you order a pizza on your phone, AT&T, Verizon, or the one you have has that information deep in the bowels of your account.

Don’t believe me? Watch TV. Notice how the first thing cops confiscate is the suspect’s phone and computer? Because we have this magical technology provided to us by the aliens who crashed in Area 51.

It’s called a warrant.

And when it’s combined with a phone company, it can produce the government’s holy grail — a street address.

Now, I realize, you’re probably in shock. Lie down and keep warm, because shock is a serious medical condition, and I’m about to make it worse.

The fact is, if we wanted you, we’d be parked outside your house or apartment building right now and you would be hearing a knock on your door in about 30 seconds. But it gets worse. Because the truth is, and it’s an awful one — we aren’t out there. And we’re not going to be. Why?

Because we don’t want you.

This may be hard to hear, but you are just not an important person. Despite what your imagination has told you, you are not a caped crusader, outsmarting us and working to thwart our grand conspiracy against America.

You are actually just an ordinary Joe or Jane. You matter only to the people who know you. And your trips to your job, the bar, and the grocery store do not even merit our looking up your street address in the phone book.

Now, I know that all this contradicts what your super-secret sources who are being fed information from an insider with a conscience have been telling you on their podcasts.

But there’s a secret that actual insiders like me know. And that is this: unless you are involved in criminal activity, the government won’t spend a dime to look at you. You are simply not worth the time and money. There’s no bang for the buck in putting a tracking device on you or your clunker.

Don’t believe me? Then prove me wrong. If the government actually considered you some kind of threat, why are you not already in prison? Certainly, we would have found you by now.

Don’t believe that? Just ask the IRS.


An Actual Human Being



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Beverly Garside

Beverly Garside

Beverly is an author, artist, and a practicing agnostic.