From The Cook Grilling Your Well-Done Steak

You’re An Idiot, But I Have No Beef With You

Yes Sir. I’ll burn that steak right away. Photo by Scott Hughey and Canva Pro

To the gentleman at table #5:

You’ve just ordered a 12-ounce ribeye steak. It’s usually a fine choice. The high-fat content makes the steak tender and juicy, cooked in its own juices. When prepared properly, you’ll find it perfectly seared and exploding with flavor.

Except, you ordered it well-done.

I immediately knew several things.

• As a kid, you probably set your roasted marshmallows on fire. You swore this was because you “like them that way.”
• If you ever manage to procreate, you’ll teach your children to set their marshmallows on fire, too. Then they’ll eat them, which is a form of child abuse.
• You and I are never going to be friends. If I’m wrong about that, I’m doing the cooking.

Oh, and I’ve informed your waitress, Barbara, that she needs to have the A-1 sauce ready. Barbara said she already had it on standby. I asked her how she knew.

He seems the type — Barbara.

Don’t misunderstand me. I’m thrilled you don’t know how to order or appreciate a good steak.