Letter in a Bottle to My Future Husband
With a Newly Found Awareness That He May Not Be Very Blog Savvy, Hence His Inability to Find Me for the Past 37 Years.
Here we are again. Third year running. Last week, I turned 37.
Just as my friends gathered to celebrate my birthday I turned around to find you and…(big shocker there) you were nowhere to be found.
Trust me honey, I truly looked for you.
36 started out quite dramatically. Picture this, I had the most lonely NYE vacation, the guy I wanted to be You, let’s call him A, had sent me an email expressing his doubts on wanting to be with me around the 22nd of December and reappeared in January. For some unknown reason I decided to see him and after sleeping with him for the first time and him telling me he loved me, (and I mean right after), he left my place and ended things for good.
I cried so hard I literally sat in the office phone booth with my best friends on the phone in tears for days. I couldn’t leave the phone booth from the heartache I was feeling.
I thought it was You. He was brilliantly smart, driven and seemingly very loving.
I decided not to wallow. I got back on the apps and I immediately met another man who was the complete opposite. Loud, kind, consistent, safe, one who wanted the same things, spectacular in bed and who shared the same values. A man who knew how to be in an adult relationship. He immediately fell in love with me.
I’m not sure if it’s because of all the hurt I was carrying with me or because of the supersonic speed of his falling in love with me or because of my gut kept telling me that this wasn’t You, but I was never able to fall quite as hard as it was needed for this to become my life.
This man would have loved to receive all of my saved up love and romanticism. He would have loved to meet the crazy spur of the moment will-do-anything-for-you woman I become when I think it’s You walking into my life, however I was never able to give him that. And trust me I tried.
I tried to substitute you. I truly told myself that it was not worth waiting for You, that actually the smart idea was to choose this amazing man and make it work. I thought maybe I had understood the concept of falling in love all wrong.
It was a challenging year, my energy kept sinking lower and lower to the point where I begun having non stop migraines.
I don’t know if I believe You exist or that You’re going to come look for me anymore. A part of me feels like ‘You’ are simply the action of me choosing someone and working hard to make it last.
I gave it one more hoping moment with A, however he recently told me that:
- He wasn’t sure
- He wasn’t ready
- The irrational part is gone and he doesn’t know why
- That he needs therapy
- That he never would have written to me first because he doesn’t think he can give me what I need.
I’ll be quite frank with you, a part of me still kind of hopes that A is You. Lucky my amazing therapist is still around to knock some sense into me.
Another part of me doesn’t want that to be You at all.
I hope You are kind, I hope You care for me whether I’m at my best or at my worst. I hope You are there for me, I hope You ask me questions about my day, not only questions about my job to benefit yourself as I can probably read you better than You read yourself.
I hope You’re ready, for me, for life together, for adventure, for stability, for deep love. I hope You want all of these beautiful things and that You want them now and with me.
Frankly, I’m ready to create our beautiful home. I have so many amazing design ideas and Pinterest mood-boards to show you! I have so many projects to share with You and to ask your advice on. I’m ready for a time and for a space that is just ours.
I did my part, almost fully. I let go of what I believe was in fact not You. It’s in your hands now.
At the moment, I’m too tired to hope. I’m too hurt from the disappointment.
I think the mistake I made this year was to make myself smaller, I put myself in the wrong places and began to think that I shouldn’t wish for more.
You probably didn’t. Knowing You, I bet You were looking for me in all the right places, in the right crowds, in the right world wide situations that I should have been at, had I believed in me a little bit more.
I re-arranged a lot of things in my life in order to make room for you:
- I finally embraced endings
- I chose to believe in myself and to take care of myself more
- I booked a solo vacation (I leave for on Thursday) to recover and recharge
I’ve learned that I’m supposed to actually live life, to travel and have fun, that giving that up to save money (I can afford to spend) or to stay put in the hopes You will arrive in the city I’m currently in, makes no sense whatsoever.
I’ve learned that despite the huge apologies, it’s practically impossible to fall in love with the same person again at the same intensity once they let you down massively — which is why I feel like most likely I haven’t met You yet.
I’ve learned that practically no one ended up with the person they thought they’d end up with except for Blake lovely and Gabrielle Caunesil, not even Justin Bieber…but I don’t want to end up this way. I need to hold on tight and make sure it’s actually You when You arrive.
I’ve learned that even when I think everything is ok and I can make anything work it’s not the case, I pay for the choice with ample pains in my body. It’s a tell signaling that the person I’m with is not, in fact, You.
I’ve learned that sometimes what you wish for is not actually what you want. And when you don’t know what you want it’s even scarier than not having what you want.
I’ve learned that self love doesn’t just happen once and last forever, you have to diligently cultivate it every single day of your life. And that’s a pain in the butt.
I’ve learned it’s very hard to be alone, especially on national holidays, all other holidays and on birthdays.
I’ve learned adult relationships with your parents are the best you’ll ever get.
I’ve learned that it’s harder to be with the wrong person than it is to be alone.
I’ve learned that even I, the most hopeful person in the world, can loose all hope and not gain it back with ease, so that I need to take care of my heart and be very selective of who I let in.
Finally, I won’t wish for you to arrive this year.
If happiness = reality — expectations, I choose to have no expectations, I choose to be happy.
Wherever you are and whomever you're with, I hope you’re well, I hope you’re safe.
I cannot wait to be safe in your arms, in your heart and in your life, as You in mine.
As always with much love,
A
