WITH FANGS BARED
To Dog-Owners Who Don’t Clean Up After Their Dogs
From a non-dog owner
Dear dog-owners who ignore the rules,
Sorry. I know you are a dog parent and I offended you already by calling your precious fur-child a pet or a dog. My bad. Ok, let’s start again.
Dear four-legged fur-children(aka pets) owners who ignore the rules,
I have a bone (or two) to pick with you.
Don’t use the trump card that just because I didn’t or don’t have pets, I am jealous of yours or worse, I am a dog-hater. Oye, I am vegan and love animals more than you. I even have pet photos as my lockscreen theme. Last week, I bought a cat & dog blanket for the little human I am raising.
We know how much you love your furry children from heaven. As you rightly should. In fact, your pet gets pampered more than me! When you are feeding your pet organic, arsenic-free, vet-approved, phyto-nutrients rich, gluten-free and grain-free gourmet vegan pet food, my mouth waters. And that latest customized jersey of my favorite cricket team that your pet has been wearing has been on my wishlist for so long (in my size though!). And when you took your pet to Bali from India, I wish I had been your pet. So this is not about any of your excessive pampering.
Remember that time when you were taking your fur-child (who looks like a missing police dog) WITHOUT a leash and they leapt at me as if I was the hardened criminal they were hunting for (but according to you, with all friendly intentions) and I shrieked like a Banshee ignored making sure that ALL 600 apartments in our complex heard me? Well, this is not about that either. I am very forgiving, you see. Or it could be just that I tend to bury traumatic memories. Like your fur-child that was furiously rummaging the newly planted flowers in front of my apartment to bury that new toy.
I don’t know why ALL the dogs in the apartment have to urinate all along the walking path, especially the little stretch that I like, by the pink flowers and the fancy heart-shaped white flowers in front of MY apartment. I am lucky that post-COVID, I really can’t smell that much. But the dirty puddles are an eye-sore and I can still see well through my Vogue tortoise-shell glasses. Anyway, I am not writing about that either.
As much as I love your pet, it is high time you cleaned up after it. I draw the line when you disobey the “no scoopy, no poopy” rule for your dog.
And the turds they drop? I am not sure if all that fancy gourmet food is helping. Why can’t you clean up correctly? Though your dog is like your child, I don’t let my child poop anywhere and then leave poop stains behind now, do I? Do I?
Just picking up the poop is not enough. Be like that serial killer who doesn’t leave any evidence behind, OK? My days are interesting enough for me to not see this.
In case you need some lessons for cleaning up, I am happy to show you how I trained the human child. But I don’t think your fur-children are the problem. Maybe we should train you instead to leave places as you found it?
Yours truly,
Your vegan neighbor without a pet
P. S. Next time you are planning a trip to Masai Mara, take me too. I may need lesser maintenance than your precious.
