Opinion
Laughing All the Way to Me-Time: why I decided to be one of the “Childless by choice.”
Why It’s not for me:
I’m not gonna lie, I teetered a tiny bit in my 20s on the idea of having children, but I can say that I have known for most of my life that having children wasn’t for me.
There were all kinds of reasons that having kids was unappealing.
For starters, that “instinct” and “baby fever” never happened to me. I never felt all warm and gushy around babies. I never saw anything about a baby or small child that appealed to me so much that I had to have one.
I know I am going to lose some of you soon, so I just ask: hear me out. I know I am not the only woman who has decided to refrain from the societal obligation of rearing children.
I truly believe it’s time that our voice should not only be heard but taken into context and allowed in conversation without any judgment. It’s wholly unfair to a large portion of women to be stripped of our own opinion by someone else’s. In fact, it’s downright hypocritical.
Societal pressures
Society has collectively made it taboo to be annoyed by children. I’m sorry, but your kid is annoying as fuck.
Contrary to popular opinion, I cannot stand the sound of the pitter-patter of little feet. I say this very certainly as I listen to my neighbor’s kid wear the floors of their apartment out. I swear his feet are made of cement, and his compulsion to run the length of the apartment back and forth for hours at a time makes me want to scream.
I mean it — I get physically agitated and angry over it on a daily basis because I have no control over it.
Personal Responsibility
I am a very responsible person, almost to a fault, and since I was notorious for being the responsible friend — it frequently meant I was the only one not having fun.
Since I am so compulsively responsible, I have often been designated as a babysitter and nanny to many friends and family. I cared deeply about and loved those kids, always ensuring their safety, happiness, and well-being during my time with them.
However, through these experiences, I only grew more certain that parenthood wasn’t for me. While I was able to provide attentive and compassionate care, the constant demands and the loss of personal freedom reinforced my decision to remain childless by choice.
These experiences highlighted the immense responsibility and relentless commitment required to raise children, solidifying my conviction that this path was not suited to my desires and lifestyle.
It’s not Selfishness
Before you call it selfish, stop. It is not selfish to choose freedom over the obligation to a life dedicated to responsibility.
The way I look at it is like winning a “conditional” all-expense-paid trip to the destination of your dreams with your partner and one or more very small very fragile old person(s).
The catch is that when you get there, you are told from that point forward — that you are obligated to organize and plan every day to make sure that they get to do exactly what they want.
At the same time, you will not get to choose anything, your preferences are not considered, and your food has to be catered to their likes and dislikes, allergies and health.
You have to make sure they get enough rest and naps when needed, and you forfeit any time you have to relax because you also have to clean the room, do the laundry, and pack and unpack everyone’s bags.
Along the way, they tell you that the trip wasn’t completely paid for so you have to chuck out some of your own cash to get home. Oh, did I mention the trip lasts for 18 years, sometimes more?
Does that sound like a dream to you? Not me!
Obviously, this means that there are reasons strictly based on my personality. I am and always have been very self-aware. Because of this, I knew that I did not fit into the Mom mold.
Personality traits and Solitude
I have always had a visceral need for autonomy and long periods of isolation. I simply need breaks from people and if I don’t get them, I have meltdowns.
Since I don’t know why I feel like this when everyone else seems to be the opposite, I stuff it down inside of me to appear “normal.” This also tends to lead to meltdowns.
Not only wider Society, but my friends also barely allowed for these traits, often bullying me into submission. This turned me into a resentful, angry adult early on and I have been actively trying to fix that for a long time.
I also have issues with specific types of noises; high-pitched or repetitive sounds make me insane. I observed the world a lot trying to make sense of it and how people seemed so unbothered by these things.
I could not understand how the sound of a screaming baby, whose mother practices the “let them cry themselves to sleep” tactic, doesn’t make everyone want to punch a hole in the wall.
Even worse, the sound of a small child who notices that if they scream at the highest-pitched noise they can muster in the grocery store, it gets people’s attention — so they continue screaming their banshee call until the parents leave the store.
I made the mistake of letting my feelings about stuff like this out in front of some friends, and they responded by beginning to tell people who had children: “Maryanne hates kids,” which made me look like some sort of psycho.
Totally unfair considering the same friends call their kids assholes, have terrible relationships with the kids’ father, and dump their kids on the first person they see the minute they can.
Then there’s the inevitable destruction of property.
I’m sure. you have seen videos of a kid who gets ahold of a marker and decides to scribble all over a wall, a floor, their sibling, or someone’s personal belongings. Not cute to me. It’s infuriating.
I know it isn’t the kid’s fault or the parents’ fault, and it’s never either of them that makes me so angry; it is the lack of control that makes me feel this way. I can’t stand that loss of control over a situation, especially if I had the chance to change it or avoid it.
I knew when I had reactions to these types of “things kids do” that I, in no way, shape, or form, could ever have a child of my own.
I knew that there was a chance that if I had kids, I would be the kind of mom who was always angry at everyone. That’s not what I would want for any kid. For this alone , I think we childless-by-choice women should be respected.
Instead, we are villainized.
Respecting Choice
The truth is, in a society that values diversity and personal freedom, it is imperative that we extend this respect to women who choose to be child-free.
Just like women who feel fulfilled by raising kids, These women also deserve respect for going against the norm and making a deeply personal decision based on their unique circumstances, aspirations, and values.
By continuing to stigmatize their choice, we not only undermine their autonomy but also perpetuate outdated gender based norms that no longer reflect the myriad ways people can live fulfilling lives.
It’s time to embrace and celebrate the many different paths to happiness and success, including the choice to live a life without children. Only by doing so can we create a more inclusive and compassionate world where everyone’s choices are respected and valued.
Sincerely,
~M.A.
What do you think? Should women’s choice be respected? Let us know how you feel at Open Microphone. Submissions below:
