This post comes in the light of the #MeToo movement going on. If you are like me, you are someone who just doesn’t comment in a debate because they are not sure about their stand. They are trying to understand different sides and arguments but still very confused. So how about starting a conversation? I want to start a conversation with anyone who is willing to discuss the topic of sexual abuse and harassment with an open mind. I will start my side of the conversation with my experiences and thoughts on the matter.
Growing up as a girl like many other girls in India I have suffered from countless catcalls, groping, strangers flashing or other such “trivial” stuff which I have learnt to ignore because it’s not practical otherwise. I remember this one incident from past when once a guy groped me in his video game center and I was too scared to act at all. It was a shopping mall and when I told my parents later, they told me I should have slapped him. Given that it was such a big shopping mall and my parents were in the vicinity it was not even dangerous doing that, I still regret not taking action. But well, these were strangers, you meet them, things happen, you are “unhurt”, you move on.
Things have a greater impact when the people involved are not “random” strangers but people who you know and trust. I have been sexually abused as a kid by people who I was close to and believed till a point that it was safe to be around them. I didn’t exactly understand what was happening aside from the fact that it was uncomfortable. I started finding ways to avoid meeting them alone and would come up with ways to confront them in my mind. One thing that bothered me at that time was the fact that they had sisters and I used to think do they do the same thing at home? Would things have been different if I had a brother?
Life moved on, they stopped, I forgot, more regrets. But somehow it all kept accumulating and I started reading more about issues surrounding women. By the time I was in college, I was very vocal about my thoughts and shared some of these experiences with friends. It really helped me. I got to know different viewpoints, from the guys and the girls. I learnt that many girls have faced similar things and I also learnt that some of the guys had such experiences too.
One of the things that let me face my abusers later in life is the belief that they probably didn’t realize what they were doing. (I might be completely wrong, but I don’t want to change this thought because it will make things hard for me.) Sex education didn’t really exist in schools where I grew up. I personally believe if you actually read the science books you understand a lot (I really did) but well, who reads the books. So, you resort to other “educational” sources like your peers and “pornography”. If you believe what they show in porn is the truth and it teaches you the idea of “consent”, you might as well believe that the earth is flat. But with our system where sex as a topic is hush-hush I am sure many of the guys resorted to this source and possibly did things which they didn’t understand were wrong. If you were one of those people just take some time and reflect on that. If you are thinking of having kids at some point, it would be good to plan the sex education part. Especially, making a young kid understand the idea of sexual abuse. It is probably the hardest to grasp and the most crucial one.
My story overall has a good ending. I was one privileged kid who grew up in a very supportive environment and whose parents always encouraged her not to take shit from anyone. Not everyone is the same. People have worse stories, worst outcomes. I don’t know about the celebrities and I am not here to vouch for anyone. You don’t need to go that far, if you really want to make a difference, start with yourself, then people around you. Be understanding, be empathetic, don’t pity. I and many like me have survived this long and are doing good, we will continue doing that with or without you. What I wrote are just small examples of the problem and similarly a smaller set of the solution. The world won’t change in a day and things won’t be perfect tomorrow but even with that in mind if you want to discuss feel free to ping.
