Why You Should Forget Everything You Learned About Stress
Stress is something we all experience to different degrees and in different situations. You may get stressed thinking about that presentation at work next week or an upcoming deadline, that birthday present you still need to buy or the dinner party you’re hosting at the weekend. Do you find yourself asking if you work too much, too little or perhaps it’s the search for meaning in your work that leaves you feeling unsettled? Heck, even thinking about stress is stressful.
My message is to stop running from stress and, instead, to listen. Stanford lecturer and psychologist Kelly McGonigal says that fighting or avoiding stress can be counterproductive and harmful in the long term. This approach often prevents growth and blinds us from seeing opportunity.
“Once you appreciate that going through stress makes you better at it, it can be easier to face each new challenge.”
Stress is normal. It’s a surge of cortisol and adrenaline in the body, and high levels of stress often accompany many of the good things in life: love, purpose, growth. Running from stress won’t make you happier and it won’t help you to achieve your goals. Instead, I encourage you to take a moment to assess the underlying thoughts that are driving the stress and build behaviours to help manage and control your response. The following steps can help you to take back control and start to use stress to your advantage:
Label your feelings.
Next time you notice your body exhibiting signs of stress such as an increased heart rate, restlessness, or negative thoughts, name it. The simple act of naming the feelings moves the neural activity from the reactive, fight-or-flight part of your brain to the more considered and proactive areas responsible for planning and executive functioning.
In other words, when we take a moment to acknowledge our stress, it moves us from operating from a fearful, reactive place to a position where we can be thoughtful and deliberate¹.
When stress is in the driving seat it can often feel like an overwhelming shadow or dense fog. The best way to break the vicious cycle is to deliberately bring the situation into the light: take a breath; define what you are feeling; categorise the causes of the situation; and analyse the validity and nature of each factor. For example, perhaps you have a big presentation coming up — does the stress come from nerves about the public-speaking, perhaps feeling unprepared, perhaps you have too much on your plate, or maybe you’re struggling to find meaning in your work.
Rethink stress.
Having identified the cause of stress, how should we react? In general, stress occurs due to anxieties related to things that we really care about. One reason why some of the biggest causes of stress are related to our families, our careers, our friends and our relationships, is because we care so much about those things. If you focus on removing or avoiding stress, you risk neglecting or turning your back on the things that give you a sense of joy, satisfaction and accomplishment in life. Testimony from individuals who have successfully overcome stress in their life suggests that the associated events often become a source of strength and of meaning². So, where possible it’s time to rethink stress, listen to its message and learn to use it.
Plan actions.
It’s time to turn a list of stress causing triggers into a list of challenges: problems are a road to nowhere; whereas, challenges have solutions and potential rewards. In addition to your list of challenges create a list of goals and list of values. This may sound simple, but bringing these elements to the forefront of your consciousness is necessary in order to ensure that you find the solutions that are right for you.
For each challenge, specify the possible actions that you can take in order to help you to reach your goals in accordance with the values that you hold dear. This solution focused mindset will help you to regain a sense of control. If you’re stressed about the impact of the pandemic on society, ask whether endless news updates are helpful or whether you could instead focus your energy on contributing to the community response. Stressed about that looming presentation? Perhaps the stress is in recognition of the a new level of responsibility and a chance to show your colleagues what you are capable of? Recognising the challenge can help turn fear into excitement and ensure that you’re best placed to profit from this opportunity.
Each challenge is an opportunity to learn, to grow, and to create meaning. Our biggest transformations come not in spite of stress but hand-in-hand.
1. https://www.nytimes.com/2020/04/01/well/mind/coronavirus-stress-management-anxiety-psychology.html
2. “The Upside of Stress: Why Stress is Good for You, and how to Get Good at it” by Kelly McGonigal
