The List

Reasons to break up with Jide

1. He snores like an actual pig (not that I have heard one snore before).

2. He has no respect for me. (A whole spec)

3. He literally lives like a pig. (There are a lot of similarities between him and a pig if you ask me).

4. I think he is misogynistic.

5. He cheated on me and tried to make it look like it was my fault.

Looking at my list, I am sure one would be able to conclude that breaking up with my boyfriend would be the right thing to do.

I tried to think of more reasons I needed to break up with him. There were many reasons but I wasn’t one to keep track of the wrongs of others so it took one hour of brainstorming to come up with the list I had written.

Jide and I had been dating for 2 years. We met at a church convention in Lagos and now that I think about it, it was silly of me to assume that he would be an upright Christian man all because he attended a church program. I guess I could be naive at times.

He was a charmer and made me laugh during the conversation we had after the program was over and he had approached me. I knew I had met the one or what I thought was ‘the one. I should have known that his charming personality was a cover-up for who he really was. Besides, I have come to realize that it’s the funny ones with the major problems.

He asked me to be his girlfriend 2 months after we had met and 4 months later, I had moved in with him.

That was when I got to see him for who he really was.

He wanted to eat his cake and have it. He expected me to perform wife duties while failing to act as a husband because according to him ‘we were not yet married’. I should have gotten my cue that he was a good for nothing person but I was blinded by what I thought was love.

Well, all that is in the past now. I was going to break up with him no matter what.

What broke the camel’s back was the fact that I caught him sleeping with a strange woman on our bed right after work and he still had the guts to shout at me. Talking about how he cheated because I was being a horrible girlfriend while his sidepiece had a smug look on her face. I was shocked by the audacity.

My friends are still angry with me to this day because they believe I should have ended the relationship right there and then. I should have but I wanted to make it a little more official, hence the idea of writing a list of his flaws.

Who would have thought it would be hard to write his shortcomings down when he was the definition of a red flag.

As I chewed on my pen, thinking of more things to add to the list of Jide’s wrongs so I could confront him with it, I heard the front door of our place open.

He was back.

I took a deep breath in as my eyes scanned through the list one more time. It was time to confront him once and for all. I bet he thought I was still going to stay despite everything.

“Honey, I’m home!” He announced as he dropped his jacket on the couch.

Who is his honey?

I rolled my eyes as I turned to face him, paper in hand.

There was something different about him. He was beaming like he had won the lottery. I wondered what was making him so excited.

He rubbed his hands together gleefully as he walked up to me.

“Jide, I have something to tell you,” I said. I wasn’t going to let whatever smile he had on his face delay what I had to tell him.

“I also have good news for you,” He said, holding my hands and leading me to the couch.

I frowned in confusion as I sat down next to an ecstatic Jide. I was curious as to what was making him smile. My breakup speech could wait. It’s not like I was going to change my mind.

“What’s the good news?” I asked.

“ You won’t believe it” He said with a wide grin “ I won the lottery!”

Did I just hear right?

What lottery?

I stared at him for a while, wondering if he had been drinking.

But he didn’t smell of alcohol.

Then it dawned on me.

He was smiling like he won a lottery because he did win a lottery.

“I didn’t know you entered for one” I said slowly.

“I decided to try my luck. Chris was the one that persuaded me to enter for it. I didn’t think it would work out but it did. We are rich baby! 10 million richer!” He said with a laugh.

10 million?

I let out what sounded like a weak laugh.

“Congratulations sweetie. I’m so happy for you” I said.

“ Thank you. Now, what did you want to tell me?” He asked me, taking my hands in his.

“Nothing important” I said “ Your news is way better and we need to celebrate” I gave a weak smile as I stood up. “Let me get the wine from the cabinet”.

I know what you are thinking.

Didn’t I plan to break up with him?

Well, yes I did.

But you see.

There’s nothing wrong with being paid to be with Jide.

I deserve it after all.

Don’t you think?

As for the list…

That will be our little secret.