Feedback: Staying on your side of the net
A few weekends ago, I participated in a weekend long T-Group. It is the second most impactful personal growth experience I’ve had over the past year (the first was a 10-day Vipassana retreat). This post covers one of the concepts that really stuck with me.
“Staying on your side of the net” or “avoid crossing the net” was coined by Bradford and Huckabay:
Most of us act like amateur psychologists in that we try to figure out why others act as they do. If you interrupt me (a behavior) and I feel annoyed (the effect on me), I try and understand why you would do that. So I make an attribution of your motives (it must be that you are inconsiderate)…
As common as this attribution process is, it also can be dysfunctional. Note that my sense-making is a guess. That is my hunch as to why you act the way you do. I am “crossing over the net” from what is my area of expertise (that I am annoyed at your behavior), to your area of expertise (your motives and intentions). My imputation of your motives can always be debated, (“You don’t listen.” “Yes, I do.” “No you don’t.”) whereas sticking with my own feelings and reactions is never debatable. ( “I felt irritated by your interruption just now.” “You shouldn’t feel that way because I didn’t mean to interrupt you.” “Perhaps not, but I feel irritated nonetheless.” )
Dave Kashen offered some really good examples of “crossing the net” and “staying on your side of the net” around the following scenario:
You notice that a team member who used to come in at 9:00am and leave at 8:00pm has started coming in at 10:00am and leaving by 7:00pm.
Crossing the net:
- Stating your interpretations as facts: “You just don’t care anymore.”
- Stating their intentions: “You’re trying to get on my nerves.”
- Stating their feelings: “You’re frustrated about this project.”
- Stating their observations: “You obviously realize you’re the only one leaving before 8pm.”
Staying on your side of the net:
- Stating your thoughts as thoughts (not facts): “I’ve noticed you’ve been coming in later and leaving earlier, and it makes me wonder if you’re less engaged.”
- Expressing your own feelings: “I’m frustrated that you’ve been coming in later and leaving earlier, and worried about your level of engagement.”
- Stating your intentions: “I’d like to make sure you’re fully engaged.”
- Directly stating your observations: “I’ve noticed that you used to come in at 9:00am and leave at 8:00pm, and lately you’ve been coming in at 10:00am and leaving at 7:00pm.”
Interestingly, this was not a new concept to me. I came across it in Non-Violent Communications and the I-message structure. But something in the visual metaphor really helped things “click” for me in a deeper, more profound way. The metaphor seems to act as a visual mnemonic, helping me retain the concept better.