The Music Playlists of the 2016 Candidates

On Friday, President Barack Obama permanently changed what Americans will expect out of their presidents for quite possibly all time. While the media may have simply glossed over this monumental announcement, what Obama did has fundamentally altered the nature of American politics. You see, Obama released a playlist.

Never before have Americans been able to have such a close look at what tunes our leaders’ jam to. No longer will the fine people of the United States of America be satisfied with just small asides in interviews as to what our political leaders put on their iPods; no, instead we demand to know every single song that is pumped into our president’s ears! That’s true government transparency!

Already sensing that the lines that once separated the worlds of politics and music have melted away, many of the current candidates running for president have released comprehensive playlists detailing what songs they would implement if elected president. I have compiled all of their playlists here so that you, the American people, may better understand the current crop of candidates and find who truly represents you.

Hilary Clinton

That’s a lot of Beyoncé. While most pundits have dismissed her all-Bey playlist as a desperate attempt to appeal to younger voters, a few have stated that she instead wants to reinforce her image as a strong woman who has eclipsed her also impressive husband in nearly every way. And as a woman who will be our undisputed leader whether we like it or not.

Donald Trump

The content of the current GOP frontrunner’s playlist, which appears to simply be just every song that appeared when searching “Fuck You” on Spotify, has drawn criticism from both the media as well as other candidates. Jeb Bush and Marco Rubio both released statements saying that Trump’s brand of vulgarity has no place in the presidential race, while Clinton was quick to state that Trump’s playlist represents a long history of crudeness present across the Republican party. Trump was unwilling to apologize, saying that “my music is way better than anybody else’s” and that “I’d rather use Apple Music anyways.” The latest polls show that his playlist has done anything but hurt him, with Trump rising three more percentage points in the GOP race.

Jeb Bush

Bush’s playlist was composed of just his “four favorite artists,” which appear to be Liam Gallagher, Carl Wilson, Tito Jackson, and surprisingly Jim Belushi. In a recent Republican debate Rand Paul challenged that Bush’s musical tastes demonstrate that he will be nothing more than an even worse rehash of his brother’s policies, to which Bush replied, “Well, uh, I may have a higher bar, you see, but I promise that, uh, I’m a true conservative, and, um, Florida was awesome, when I was governor, well…” At that time the buzzer went off, and Bush let out a very visible sigh of relief.

Bernie Sanders

The Vermont Senator, who appears to have captured the hearts of young liberals opposed to Hillary, refused to put out a playlist, saying that “unlike other candidates, I don’t have big SuperPAC money to pay for Spotify.” He then went on to give a thirty minute speech about how the average American can no longer afford music because of income inequality, and then shouted out a bunch of statistics that one could not hear over all the cheering 20-something white dudes. A Black Lives Matter protester then rushed the stage, saying that Sanders could have used the opportunity to acknowledge racial injustice by creating a playlist featuring Marvin Gaye and N.W.A.

Mike Huckabee

The former Arkansas governor released a long statement about his playlist, composed entirely of music from the 1940s and 50s, stating how he wished to showcase the “classic American sound that has unfortunately been trashed by the secular media. This is what real music is, not the current hyper-sexualized garbage being thrown out by ‘artists’ like Beyoncé and Taylor Swift.” Many on Twitter were quick to crack jokes that Huckabee’s favored musical era is fitting, as that’s where he wishes to take women’s policies back to.

Marco Rubio

Casting shade on his fellow Republican candidates, Rubio stated that “Americans are tired of the same old songs being played over and over; if elected I will bring this country’s music to the future.” He then proceeded to list off multiple younger rock bands, such as The Black Keys and Titus Andronicus, that would be present in his playlist. All of the younger rocks bands present in his playlist then released statements that all went along the line of “Rubio’s idea of the future is radically different from ours, and we ask him to remove us from his playlist.” Journalists were quick to note that Rubio’s playlist ends with a long stretch of Wu-Tang Clan songs; when asked about it, Rubio just gave a boyish laugh and asked to change the subject.

Rand Paul

Paul’s playlist contained only one track: “I’m Different” by the rapper 2 Chainz. When asked about why he chose that song and why he didn’t include any others, Paul stated “I’m a different type of Republican.” He then looked down at the ground, and continued to whisper to himself “I’m a different type of Republican” over and over to himself. He then whimpered, “I’ve got to go” and rushed out of the press room.

Chris Christie

The former New Jersey governor released a playlist entitled “Chris Christie’s Fun Sing-Along Songs” which he described as “songs that I just love to put on and sing with my kids.” When asked why his playlist only contains scremo tracks, Christie replied, “Hey, I don’t judge what music you listen to, you little prick!” Sources close to the campaign state that his original playlist was composed entirely of Springsteen songs, but Christie started tearing up and screaming at the walls when he remembered the time when Springsteen made fun of Bridgegate on Jimmy Fallon. The Christie campaign refused to comment on these allegations.

Lincoln Chafee

Democratic candidate Lincoln Chafe’s playlist was simply the latest album by the indie rock band Metric, as he stated that it is “about time the US finally adapted the metric system.” The band Metric, when asked for comment, gave the one-word reply: “Who?”

Scott Walker

Governor Walker issued a press release saying “Man, this Spotify thingy sure is complicated, right?” He then asked for all of the reporters’ email addresses, and two days later sent all of us a plain-text link to a Youtube video entitled “The Best Of Nickelback | My 20 favorite songs by Nickelback.” I have not yet clicked the link out of fear for the safety of my ears.

Jim Gillmore

The former Virginia governor released a wide-ranging playlist featuring the likes of… Yeah, I don’t care either.

Ignatius N exists to write various things that you may enjoy reading. If you found this worth reading, please hit “recommend” or click the little “share” icon (whatever it looks like now) and send this piece to all of your friends that won’t send me hate mail in return.

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