Self Inquiry: Who am I
Realizing the sacred within
From the smallest ant to the greatest emperor, everyone is ceaselessly working toward one goal — happiness without an iota of sorrow. Man is constantly trying, through great advances of intellect, to improve his outer circumstances, accumulate food, clothes, houses, job, money, power, family etc. and gain knowledge about all observable phenomena — all in an effort to gain happiness. And yet, this goal of happiness remains elusive as ever. Whatever happiness obtained through all the hard work in all spheres of life is found to be fleeting and impermanent. Any sensory gratification attained through various objects, mental gratification attained through knowledge and emotional gratification attained through relationships is all found to fade away, only giving momentary pleasures to be inevitably followed by pain and sorrow.
Is it then possible that the goal itself is wrong or that the means adopted is wrong? All religions that have come into existence have asserted that the goal of perfect happiness is man’s right to claim and showed the means of attaining it. And yet again, through conceptualizations and the bigotry that ensues as well as blind, ritualistic observances, the significance of the core tenets of the religions have been shrouded and man has been taken further away from the goal of perfect happiness.
What then is the secret to attain unalloyed happiness which is the quintessence of all the great spiritual teachings of mankind? What is the way to pursue this inquiry that is open to people of all backgrounds and religions — including even proclaimed atheists, as long as one is earnest in seeking the goal of true happiness?
In order to begin this inquiry, the first and foremost inquiry to be made is into the idea of happiness itself. For if the goal is wrongly understood, then however sincere the means applied are, it would keep us in a merry go round without ever getting any closer. So if we look into our idea of happiness, we find that we hold it as something to be attained through experiencing objects of satisfaction — be they material, conceptual or emotional. If this were true, then we ought to be most unhappy when completely bereft of any such experiences and objects. And yet, we find that not to be the case at all in deep, dreamless sleep! Not even a singe experience of any object — sensory or otherwise — exists in deep sleep and yet it is found to be most blissful to one and all. Totally contrary to our idea of happiness, when there is no consciousness of the body, mind or senses, there is the experience of perfect happiness. Even a man with great wealth, family and power willingly lets go of the memory of all his possessions to enter the abode of sleep which is devoid of any objects and wakes up with an experience of happiness.
Therefore it is undoubtedly clear that happiness can shine without the aid of body, mind or sense consciousness and also that this happiness is within, not without. Since awareness of everything extraneous, including one’s own body, is absent during sleep and yet happiness shines forth, it can be deduced that one’s essential nature is happiness itself. This explains why we love our self more than anything, because we love only that which makes us happy. And since our very essence is of the nature of happiness, we naturally love our self more than anything else. Of course, we err in the understanding of what our “self” is and wrongly associate it with the body, family, country, religion etc thereby causing different levels of selfishness and divisiveness and the problems that ensue. And that is the reason why it is paramount to inquire into understanding what is my self — who am I. But to grasp clearly that happiness is not in objects but our essential nature is the most important first step of this inquiry.
Now one may ask, “But what about the sensory experiences during waking state that give me happiness?”. If we scrutinize all such experiences carefully though, we will notice that what is experienced as happiness is only the interregnum between when one thought wave caused by a desire for an experience subsides upon the attainment of the experience and another thought wave caused by the next desire hasn’t arisen yet. Instead, if happiness were an attribute of the object itself, then it would proportionally increase with increased consumption. Yet we find that we tire of the same objects (or concepts or people) that earlier gave us happiness. Therefore it is clear again that happiness is not produced by the external object of experience but only through the subsiding of thought that craved for it. In other words, in the gap between two desires, shines forth momentarily our essential nature which is happiness itself and we mistakenly attribute it to the object of desire. And worries (or fears) are simply desires for the absence of something. Therefore the exact same principle is at work causing happiness to shine forth when a worry ends, that is to say the desire for its absence is fulfilled, and the next desire or worry hasn’t risen yet.
Thus it is revealed that subsidence of thought waves alone is experienced as happiness as it removes the veil that covers our essential nature. Therefore the enemy of happiness is the thought of craving alone. Hence to ward off all thoughts of craving is to remain as the pure, innate happiness that we are.
Seen in this light, it is obvious why all efforts of man to attain happiness through changing external circumstances have only come to naught as he is looking in the wrong direction. Instead if one clearly sees through this inquiry that happiness is within and actually one’s essential nature, then a natural dispassion arises towards all external objects and concepts. This clarity and the resulting dispassion is most essential for the mind to not run hither and thither but remain still and experience the joy of just being.
Now that the nature of happiness is clear, what does it take for one to ward off all thoughts and desires so that the essential nature which is bliss can reign supreme? This is the essence of Self-inquiry.
We already saw that deep sleep is one such state of no thoughts that is experienced as pure happiness. However this is no solution as it is short lived and the waking state always follows in its trail. One cannot sleep forever as the mind with its latent tendencies will rouse one from sleep inevitably. Also it is a state of darkness where the happiness experienced is only realized upon recollection but not as a conscious experience. Similarly we also saw that happiness shines forth after a desire is fulfilled and before the next desire rises up. Then again, fulfilling desires is not the solution because desires are endless and what’s more, they only gain more momentum by being fulfilled to come back again and again. So this is no way out either. Thus any method that absorbs the mind into a temporary stillness is always short lived and will rise again in the form of more desires. What is equally futile is to scrutinize or witness every single thought or desire that rises as it would be an an endless process. Instead it is essential to find out the root of all desires of the mind and thereby cut the root itself instead of focusing on every single branch and leaf that are the thoughts and desires.
Upon inquiry, we find that the I-thought in the form of ‘I am the body’ is the first thought and the root of all thoughts. So instead of attending to the various thoughts that spring forth from this root I-thought, if we focus our attention only on the I-thought, then it will then end all the other thoughts for the inherent nature that is happiness to shine forth.
If we scrutinize the ‘I am the body’ thought, we notice that the body is only a perceived object like anything else in the world while the I-consciousness is the first person experience of our very existence. And this knot between the I-consciousness and the body also changes depending on where our attention is. There are moments during waking state when we are not conscious of the body at all and yet we certainly exist. Similarly in dream, we associate the I with a different subtle version of the body while the gross body is at rest. Therefore this shows that the pure I-consciousness is what gives existence to the body which is wrongly perceived as the first person, giving rise to desire for various second and third person objects and people. If the body is also clearly seen as a second or third person object perceived by the first person I which is pure consciousness, then it is clear that the I-thought is based only on a false knot which gives rise to various other thoughts and desires.
Therefore true inquiry is then to sever this false knot by keeping one’s consciousness attending to itself (the pure I-ness of being) rather than associate it with the body which is only an object of perception. This pure I-consciousness is alone described as the Self, God, Reality, Brahman and many other terms. If God or Brahman were a second or third person object instead of the first person I, then they would come into existence only after I and therefore become secondary to my existence which is absurd. Hence the very existence ‘I am’ unpolluted by any other object is alone God and the essence of the Vedic statement ‘I am Brahman’ (aham brahmasmi) or the Biblical definition of God as ‘I am that I am’. Therefore to fix one’s attention completely on the pure consciousness that I am is also true surrender to God.
It is also to be noted that once we are clear that the first person I-thought is the root of all thoughts, then any practice that focuses on second and third person objects rather than the first person I-thought is not the direct way to end the root of all thoughts. Thus practices like chanting any mantras, assertions such as ‘I am that’ or reading scriptures to acquire knowledge about the truth etc may be helpful aids but never the direct path of inquiry. All these are second and third person concepts that perpetuate the I-thought with a subject/object division. Instead if one focuses his attention entirely on the I-consciousness which is to say that attention focuses on itself, then it is the turning back of the mind to its very source where there is no division. The outgoing tendencies of the mind resulting in desires and fears will be destroyed only when it turns toward the first person I-consciousness which is its very source and remains still in the Self (or I). This is also because while attention to second and third person objects including the body is an activity of thought, attention to the Self is no activity at all but simply being.
Attention being of the essence of consciousness strengthens anything that it is focused on. And since we are so conditioned to let our attention go outward, our desires towards objects and experiences have been strengthened through this constant flow of outgoing attention. So what is necessary is to be fully convinced through this inquiry that there is no happiness in any second or third person objects, therefore it is not worth giving any attention which causes total dispassion. And a great longing to abide as one’s own Self which is the first person I-consciousness and the only reservoir of supreme happiness which causes complete devotion to the Self. With such dispassion and devotion, firmly fixing one’s attention on the first person which is one’s very being without entertaining any other thought about second or third person objects is alone inquiry as well as surrender.
Inquiry then is not to repeat the question ‘Who am I’ like a mantra or to keep entertaining thought after thought while posing the same question. Instead it is only to use the question ‘Who am I’ as a means to shift attention immediately away from the rising thought which is a second or third person object to the first person I-consciousness and abide in the source. By thus abiding longer and longer in the pure I-consciousness, due to the strength of attention, one’s longing to abide there also increases. Such abidance and attention only to the Self is the direct path of Self-inquiry.
