Being Gentle With Yourself as You Grow
The Appeal of Self-Improvement
I’m a big fan of self care and productivity hacks. The aesthetic of pastel candles, washi-taped bullet journals and neat handwriting gives me a little dopamine hit and convinces me to click, save, and share. I love reading guides on goal-setting, system-setting, and journal prompts, feeling like I’m really going to get my life together.
Seeing how peaceful and centered other people’s lives are gives me hope that I can live one too. I love learning new things while also getting reminders to attend to the things that I already know are important.
But it isn’t all perfect.
The Downsides
The thing is, even though the emphasis is on taking care and improving myself, the process is often much more demanding that it appears. I have succeeded at incorporating good habits into my life (taking walks and exercising), but I’ve also fallen off the wagon on others (journaling, keeping in contact with people).
It’s hard to feel like I’ve lived up to my own standards especially when I consume so much media that tells me that I can do better. When I wake up late, I feel guilty; when I don’t journal, I feel guilty; when I don’t exercise, I feel guilty. Even things that bring my joy can feel like an obligation, just another thing I have to do to cross off a box on my to-do list.
Not only do I beat myself up for not measuring up, but I tend to criticize the same things in other people.
When friends complain to me about their problems, sometimes I’ll silently resent them and wonder why they just can’t get things together when I’m facing the exact same issue in my life.
The Mindset of Sufficiency
I first came across the idea of sufficiency in Brené Brown’s book, The Gifts of Imperfection, where she cites Lynne Twist’s The Soul of Money. She talks about how the majority of us constantly deal with thoughts of scarcity and insufficiency. I need more sleep, I need to journal more, I need to exercise more, I need to be more productive. “I need to be better” hides the implicit thought of “I’m not good enough now”.
The mindset of sufficiency is a way of stepping back from all that and choosing to believe that you have enough and are enough. It’s doing your best to improve, but knowing that it can be difficult and forgiving yourself for your perceived shortcomings.
Acceptance and Change
You can accept and love yourself and still want to change. Acceptance and change can exist together if you’re intentional about it. In fact, taking the time to work with yourself rather than forcing yourself to be someone you’re not is the path to sustainable change.
Taking small, consistent steps over a long period of time can take you a long way. Knowing that change is difficult can encourage you to take it seriously and devote the time and work it requires. Recognizing that backsliding happens can motivate you to try to find gentler, more effective ways of motivating yourself.
Being gentle with yourself may be the change that you need.
