Kinship: An oSTEM Learning Review
Hello! This article is a review of an oSTEM Learning event we hosted. oSTEM Learning is a series of events where we aim to educate each other and discuss topics relevant to the LGBTQIA+ community. As such, I wanted to try out a different style of writing that more closely emulates what it would be like to have a discussion with the people who were present. Please enjoy and look forward to more oSTEM learning events by following our newsletter!
Hello and welcome. Please take some time to settle in and notice that you are here, reading this article… It’s good to be aware of what you’re doing, isn’t it?
We’re going to be talking about alternative forms of kinship! Kinship is just a more technical way of referring to the important relationships in a person’s life, usually in reference to family members or romantic partners. Like all words, it’s useful because we can all agree on its meaning, but there are still some implications to it…
A Quick Side-note
When I was poking around the internet and doing some reading for this presentation, I learned that anthropologists use these terms called “true kinship” and “fictive kinship”. True kinship refers to the bonds that are created by blood or through marriage while fictive kinships are a catch-all term for all other relationships: for example, godparents or adoptive parents. I thought it was an interesting linguistic side-note that, even though the words “true” and “fictive” don’t refer to legitimacy in this circumstance, in a way, society does treat these “true” kinships as more legitimate. Okay, side-note, over.
Marriage and Gender Roles
So let’s talk about marriage, which is kind of weird when you think about it. It’s like a state-sponsored/approved relationship: you tell the state that yes, I am committed to being with this other person, go through some form-signing and then the state agrees, yes, you are with this person now and you’re gonna go through another round of expensive form-signing if you do not want to be with this person anymore.
It makes sense in some cases when you think about important things like who is responsible for you and your property when you are sick and who gets visitation rights. Obviously, the doctors and nurses want know what kind of relationship you have and aren’t going to question how close you are before letting you in the hospital room. So, they need some way of determining if you’re the right person to let in.
It also makes sense and is efficient in this strange Capitalistic sense of division of labor if we’re talking about traditional gender roles within a heterosexual marriage. Well, we have a designated person to work outside and a designated person to take care of the home. Each person “specializes” in their field, but shares the results with each other so that each role is done in the best possible way, while spreading the benefits to the most amount of people.
More on the Utility of Gender Roles: Dating
One example that I really like to use when explaining the utility of gender roles is with dating. Generally, with heterosexual relationships, we expect the man to confess to the woman in order to initiate the process of dating. This expectation is pretty important because once we get rid of it, then what happens? Who is supposed to confess? It’s not really something you can openly talk about because of the nature of the situation: “Hello person I have a crush on, do you want me to confess, or do you want to do it?”. So if we don’t have a designated person, then this social process is not going to go well.
I’m sure you know the terrible feeling of reading some Shoujo manga where the two main characters like each other, but can’t for the life of them communicate it to each other. It’s like that.
So yeah, gender roles have purposes, and we should pay attention to them when trying to deconstruct them. We got to replace them with some other expectations, hopefully not gendered! To maintain social structure.
This issue with dating, I’m sure has come up for people who aren’t straight because there aren’t any guidelines for dating that we’ve all agreed upon yet. You know the trope of the useless lesbian? It’s because if there’s two girls who like each other, nobody knows who is supposed to confess!
What’s the solution here? Well, we haven’t really figured that one out yet. My thinking is that we all communicate better and just confess when we think it’s the right time.
Okay, so we touched on one issue with gender roles, so let’s keep going with that.
Because there are lots of benefits to marriage, financial incentives and social legitimacy, there is also a lot of emphasis on a certain kind of relationship. Relationships should only be between two people because that shows commitment. Romantic relationships are seen as more important than platonic or familial ones. Marriage should result in having kids. People who are married should live together. A relationship has to last a long time in order to be legitimate. Lots of stuff that comes with it!
So that’s why I want to talk about alternative kinships structures! All of the interesting ways that people can connect with each other that don’t fit into the traditional boxes.
But first,
Some Thoughts on Society Now
This is just based on my limited observation, but I have the sense that gender roles are being questioned more and more and that marriage doesn’t hold the same connotations that it did before, which is good! Getting away from the rigidity of it all and thinking critically about your own needs is good, but it’s also going to be difficult and awkward. These things gave us structure and guidance. Without it, what’s going to happen?
One way to explore and create new ways of being is to look into how other people are living their lives without surrendering to traditions. We can find a path here to follow!
Polyamory
Polyamory is how you can describe a relationship that involves more than two people. (Monogamy is when you only have one partner). Polyamorous relationships aren’t recognized by the state: you can’t get legally married to more than one person at a time, but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t people in a committed relationship with multiple other people.
- Vee: where one person is in a relationship with two other people. Isn’t it cute? Because it makes a little V-shape if you imagine each person as a point and a line connecting people who are involved with each other.
- Triad: where three people are all in a relationship with each other! Again, another solution to love triangles.
- Quad: where four people are involved with each other! The real double dating.
- Polycule: used to describe the group of people in any polyamorous relationship. Like a molecule! Isn’t that wonderful?
Of course, these are just some words and there’s plenty more out there. Just like the variety of molecules that you can make with all of the elements out there, there are lots and lots of different polycules.
It’s really important to differentiate polyamorous relationships from “cheating”. Polyamory requires trust, respect, and communication just like a monogamous relationship. In fact, it’s safe to say that even more trust, respect, and communication is required. Trusting your partners to listen and understand you, respecting them enough to talk about their wants and needs, and communicating all of this is essential.
This added complexity can makes things more difficult, but it’s an opportunity to be a fuller person. Sometimes you’re just so full of love, you know what I mean?
Alternative Family Structures
I wasn’t exactly sure what to call these but I’m using the word “family” here to talk about relationship structures including children.
Of course there have always been extended families that collectively raise children rather than the care being exclusively given just the child’s parents, but it’s still considered different than the typical nuclear family structure. Given that there are more people providing support, I personally think that it’s a great way of sharing the labor and giving the child access to lots of new perspectives that they wouldn’t have had otherwise.
Now onto different ways that children can come to live with a certain family. For gay people in particular, because it may not be possible to have a biological child in the typical means, options like adoption or surrogate parenting can be considered. There are some difficulties that can come with it including the bureaucracy that someone has to go through in order to adopt or use the services of a surrogate and the social complexities that may come with raising a child that does not seem biologically related to their parents.
I think it’s important to think about the discomfort that we may feel towards these matters. What makes being blood-related so important in a family? Is it really that important? Who are we responsible for taking care of and why? Should there be limits on who is able to have kids? Why?
Something to think about…
Queerplatonic Relationships
I found this great definition for queerplatonic relationships, it’s described as being a relationship that “typically goes beyond what is considered normal or socially acceptable for a platonic relationship but is not romantic in nature or does not fit the traditional idea of a romantic relationship”.
I love how vague it is! It really expands the boundaries of what a friendship is. Cuddles? Holding hands? Kisses? Sharing food? Sharing rooms? Sharing Netflix subscriptions? If everyone’s okay with it and wants it, then why not?
And again, there are some really cool words that come along with Queerplatonic relationships! You can call someone in one a Zucchini! And if you’re crushing on someone queerplatonically, you have a squish!
Another Word About the State
Like I talked about before, some of these relationships are not recognized by the state or just don’t have the same social legitimacy as heterosexual, nuclear families do. It is important to recognize that there can be a lot of pressures, socially and economically, to conform the current definition of relationship even when the alternatives are more preferable. That’s why it’s important to learn about and understand yourself and others. Awareness is key if we want to relieve the pressure to conform and to encourage people to make choices based on their own well-being.
Reflection
I think that there’s a lot of potential for fullness and growth when it comes to figuring out what kinds of relationships you want to have with the people around you. It takes a lot of work to communicate and understand each other, but it’s very rewarding to connect and have your needs met.
Aside from your own personal life, it’s important to recognize that even if you yourself don’t find fulfillment in a certain way, other people do and deserve your understanding. We are after all, all in a relationship with each other. The small daily interactions and little conversations with strangers can add up. How are you relating to the world?
