Imperishable Emperors Song
Have you ever wanted a slightly-annoying but undoubtedly memorable way to remember a long list of monarchs? Have you ever wanted a dubiously accurate rip-off of said favourite? Well, look no further than this inglorious creation and butchering of your childhood (maybe it’ll even help…).
P.S. if anyone wants a performance, it will not be forthcoming.
I’m Octavian/ Augustus
Mark Antony stood no chance
They call me the emperor
Although I’m sort of not
31 BC, Actium
I took my victory
So great by death left Rome marble
First of the dynasty
To help remember your principes
I’ve come up with this song
A simple rhyming ditty
For you all to sing along
Oh, Caesar
(Bit short innit? We need more heirs. Who’s not dead?)
Tiberius C, all others dead
Killed Germanicus, so it’s said
I took over, ‘Little Boots’
That’s Germanicus’ last son
Then Claudius, it’s true check it!
Hi, Nero (boo!), made the city lit
Year of 4 Emperors? That’s right!
Always ending in a fight
Oh that year, what a disaster
Peace removed by Civil-Warring
Caesar, Tibey, Cali, Claudy
Nero, Civil War, oi!
Now with thanks, it’s Pertinax
To take up this song
Galba, ooo killed in a coup
Otho did him in
Enemy killed Vitellius too
So close, it hurt him lots
The fourth, the victor you’ve heard,
Vespasian was his name
Then Titus, too, was emperor then
Domitian, coup once more
Nerva’s time, the Antonines
Not least this Trajan guy, why?
Empire’s big, to grow no more
Since Hadrian arrived
Ant. Pius, Verus ill,
Aurelius, he’s rad
’Cause he ruled us with Commodus
Last dynast and quite mad
So Pertinax, I won, facts
Praetorians, them I dreaded
Julianus came next
Bought the empire. No! Where we headed?
Septimus Severus, but lately
Shared his rule with… me
Caracalla, conspiracy!
So then they murdered me
Caesar, Tibey, Cali, Claudy
Nero, Civil War, oi!
Galba, Otho, Vit., Vesp., Tite.
Nerva, Traj., Hadrian
Pius, Verus, Aurelius
Commie, Pert., Julie’s dead
Severus, his son C
That’s me, time for more then
Geta, the other son next
As Young C’s co-Emperor he led
Macrinus ruled, part with his son
But then both lost their heads
The dynasty, they preferred me
Elagabalus, shortly
Severus Alexander, woooh
Got murdered by the army
Severans killed, shoes were filled
Gordians and more crises.
And so from then, for rule they contend
Till eventually Tetrarchies.
Caesar, Tibey, Cali, Claudy
Nero, Civil War, oi!
Galba, Otho, Vit., Vesp., Tite.
Nerva, Traj., Hadrian
Pius, Verus, Aurelius
Commie, Pert., Julie’s dead
Severus, his son C
Geta, Mac. (plus son) and then
Elagabalus, then we end
With Severus Alexander
And so began the Gordian gang
Of which I know few (boo)
Crisis of the third was quite absurd
The soldier ruler crew
Philip I ‘the Arab’ and his son II
Civil Wars and Guard again (hang on)
It’s true you overtook Gordian
But to Decius a dead boss (bang on)
Claudius II, the Goth-Killer (gasp)
It’s nearly the end of the warring
As onto the scene comes the best of these
Hail to great Aurelian
Caesar, Tibey, Cali, Claudy
Nero, Civil War, oi!
Galba, Otho, Vit., Vesp., Tite.
Nerva, Traj., Hadrian
Pius, Verus, Aurelius
Commie, Pert., Julie’s dead
Severus, his son C
Geta, Mac. (plus son) and then
Elagabalus, Alexander
Mess, mess, mess, mess
Claud., Aurelian
Aurelian Aurelian Aurelian
(I also got killed by Guard, you know.)
Numerian, last one
After some, dunno who,
Diocletian reigned and how
To continue the Roman Emperor song
I CBA right now, oh
Caesar, Tibey, Cali, Claudy
Nero, Civil War, oi!
Galba, Otho, Vit., Vesp., Tite.
Nerva, Traj., Hadrian
Pius, Verus, Aurelius
Commie, Pert., Julie’s dead
Severus, his son C
Geta, Mac. (plus son) and then
Elagabalus, Alexander
Mess, mess, mess, mess
Claud., Aurelian
Soldier emps, Numerian
And Diocletian ends this list
That’s all the Roman principes
Since Augustus Caesar there have been
By Joseph Pett unfortunately.
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