Depth
What Is My Dream Telling Me?
Wednesday, January 09, 2019, I woke up around 3:30 am with my head swinging as I was trying to figure out what my mind had just done to me. I had a dream. Not just any dream, but one in which I was caught dancing partially naked with a woman who was quite connected to me and seemed to be in love with me, just as I was in love with her. She was also partially naked. I do not know this woman in my personal life. Where did this take place? In a college dormitory room — one I do not recall from my old stomping grounds, Georgia Southern University (outstanding Psychology program, by the way), but some odd place that smelled familiar. I knew the scents; the vanilla wafting about the room, coconut oil, eucalyptus, and sage.
I did not know this place, BUT I KNEW THIS PLACE.
Isn’t that odd? The woman, I knew her scent as well — plum, passion fruit, and spearmint. We stood in the center of the room, unabashed and unafraid, with the door slightly ajar and danced half-naked to a tune that was blissfully moving to the heart. I mentioned that I was caught, correct? While this figment-of-my-imagination-woman and I danced, a number of our dorm-mates roamed the hall, one in particular, thought it fascinating and self-satisfying to video our interaction and place it on YouTube, then post it to Facebook. Fifteen seconds later, both of our phones chimed with notifications. The first thing I remember upon waking up was the look of supreme fear plastered across her face.
Then, her tears.
I heard myself saying in my dream, “I don’t care anymore. It’s not a big deal. We are who we are.” But, being who we were, in this dream, cost us our university scholarships, and our chance at becoming rising stars in the business and marketing program. Not long after the notifications sounded off on our phones — we quickly got dressed, panicked and pressed into each other’s minds, we searched for an escape, but were met by both the Senior RA of the dormitory and Business and Marketing Program Administrator. Quite plainly and with no regard for our feelings, we were informed that our time at the university had been severed — cut off at the legs with no chance of ever walking there again.
The howl that erupted from this woman’s mouth is what woke me up. It is what scared me. I had not heard such a sound leave a human being’s mouth like that ever in my life and it was not just sadness. It was the sound of pain, utter pain, and sheer panic. It was the sound of someone's life ending right before their eyes even though they were still breathing. I do not know what would have taken place in the dream, but I was mad with myself for waking — perhaps, I would have gotten to an ending. Perhaps, I would have been able to comfort her and assure her that no matter what, we were going to find another university that accepted our brilliant minds regardless of who we loved — regardless of our carelessness at leaving the door slightly ajar but being comfortable too.
And then again, from the sound of the wail that burst forth from her being, there probably was never going to be a way for her to be happy again. She had lost her scholarship and her enrollment in a prestigious university, something she worked so hard to gain. She would probably lose her family. We would have more than likely broken up, went our separate ways, and dove into two totally different majors all because — love.
All because the depth of what we felt could not be caged.
And, at that moment, we did not want it to. I have sat with this for a few hours now and I can only surmise that this dream is connected to my recent coming out and how much I feared what would be done to me — how I would be treated by family and friends once they knew. There’s a connection here, I just have not placed my finger on it. I am left with only one question…
What is my dream telling me?
©Tremaine L. Loadholt, 2019. All Rights Reserved
