I no longer live in fantasy!

A lesson I wear like a medal of honor

Or trophy of shame.

I see road signs clear now

The days of aimless driving

Have turned their back to me

The way you did -

the first time

the second time

and third time

the fourth time

and so on.

If there are red flags

I meet them with my white ones.

A symbol of resignation

As in-

I resign the position of my soul

Prostrating at the helm

Of someone else’s paradise.

I recede at any reminder of you in others

And revere my strength

For this must be how it’s done!

The old ways never worked anyhow

And I thought my smallness at the sound of deep voice would turn to giant

But its only sunken into shadow

So, I no longer live in fantasy!

But a world where the rosy lenses have worn off from being scraped on gravel

A world where I see things as they are

I see the sharpness of silence

And feel the coldness of disapproval

No more life in fantasy!

For life in fantasy should have died with adolescence

With Santa Claus

And Jesus Christ

And catholic shame

And Mickey Mouse

And my mother told me when she saw my tears

Since 13 years

That i’m a man now

And I’m 31 today so I must no longer be in adolescence

Right?

No more fantasy!

Only science, if you get close enough

I’ll dissect your heart and spread it on table

To inspect the pieces

Like a found wallet waiting to be returned to its master

I’ll hurriedly dissect the pretense

And return the wallet even faster.

No,

I no longer live in fantasy!

I protect what’s mine

and allow visitors to this lonely cave I’ve made a prison

Only when they’ve deemed themselves credible

Then I sit.

Observe.

Listen.

Hold all the parts of me inside like a man disemboweled

Fretting to keep his livelihood in tact.

I hold it all in until I can stitch it back up

When they leave my bed too soon

Or show me who they are.