6 tips on how to respectfully call out friends and family when they post misinformation
I know — your Uncle Rick’s a flat-Earther and he voted for Kanye. But hear me out.
We’ve all seen pictures of the Great Pacific Garbage Patch at this point, right? It’s a collection of marine debris in the ocean that’s more than twice the size of Texas. And what’s crazy is it’s rapidly collecting more plastic every day.
Scroll through your Facebook or Twitter feed and you might find something similar. Only, instead of broken-down microplastics, it’s a digital trash vortex made up of false claims, hoaxes, misquotes, conspiracy theories, and doctored images — likewise growing more difficult to clean up every day.
But alas, we must work together to clean it up.
We must call each other out, and hold one another accountable when we add to our digital garbage patch, especially when the person peddling that misinformation is someone we know personally — an aunt, an uncle, a cousin, grandma, that friend you went to high school with who never left your hometown.
As we’ve seen, misinformation isn’t just trivial online fodder. It has the potential to move offline and evolve into real-world action that does harm to real people.
Chances are, you don’t want that to happen, probably because you care about the people in your network.
Therein lies the conundrum. You’re not dealing with a bot, some random troll on Twitter, or even a friend of a friend. This is someone with whom you have an actual relationship, perhaps one that predates social media.
So calling them out for sharing misinformation isn’t so straightforward. It requires some nuance, assuming you intend to keep that relationship intact and in good standing.
Calling your Uncle Rick an idiot on Facebook is easy.
Taking a breath, and crafting a mature response is not.
On that note, here are six tips to respectfully call out friends and family when they post misinformation:
1. Send a private message
Never try to embarrass the other person.
Even if you’re objectively right (I know you are), calling them out in the comments section almost never ends well. It puts them in a position where they have to defend not only their claim, but their pride.
Because when you publicly tell someone they’re sharing fake news, it’s likely to be perceived as an attack on their character, values or intelligence.
On the flip side, when you message them privately, it shows genuine concern, and that you took the time to help correct a mistake, instead of berating them for making one.
2. Speak as if they’re in the room with you
Oftentimes, if we’re being honest, our “Twitter selves” probably aren’t the best sampling of our true character. It’s easy to fall into the trap of name-calling and mudslinging, demonizing anyone who disagrees with us.
But for us to not only have productive conversations with friends and family online, but preserve our relationships with them, we have to resist these petulant urges and ensure we’re being respectful, especially when the other person isn’t.
One of the best ways is to imagine they’re physically in the room with you before you start the conversation.
Gene Policinski, senior fellow for the First Amendment for the Freedom Forum and veteran multimedia journalist, said he’s been on the receiving end of a few vulgar insults online that probably wouldn’t have been hurled his way in a face-to-face setting. That’s why he says it’s important to remember social media isn’t a proxy for face-to-face exchanges.
“[Tech] shouldn’t, in and of itself, give us a license to act how we wouldn’t otherwise, or set new standards for how we deal with each other,” he said. “We would never say in person what some people would say in a Tweet. I think we’re still learning this technology is not a replacement for human interaction — it’s just another way to do it.”
3. Don’t try to win an argument
We all start conversations with a preconceived idea of how they’ll play out. The problem is, when we’re messaging someone to notify them that they’re sharing misinformation, oftentimes, our expectations are particularly unrealistic.
According to former CIA Analyst and disinformation expert, Cindy L. Otis, “going into it with the idea that you can win an argument is an entirely unhelpful construct.”
Instead of saying, “You know this is fake, right?” try something like, “Have you seen this report with a counterclaim to the one you shared?”
4. Show them where the info comes from
Every piece of information comes from somewhere, so if you can identify a paper trail and present it to the person who shared the false claim (privately, of course), they’re a lot more likely to admit fault or even take down the post than they would be if you simply told them they were wrong.
For instance, suppose Uncle Rick shares an article littered with misinformation, published by The Bearded Patriot. You could link to this report, which shows that an investigation by the Alethea Group (for whom Otis now works) concluded The Bearded Patriot is part of a network of for-profit disinformation sites that use fake news stories to collect emails from readers.
5. If it’s been professionally fact-checked, let them know
Fact-checking, like teaching or nursing, is a profession. Trained fact-checkers are basically online detectives, helping us sift through what’s true and what isn’t.
So, we may as well take advantage of their hard work.
According to Kathryn Olmsted, a history professor at UC Davis who studies conspiracy theories, the best way to show someone whether something’s actually been verified is to link to a relevant fact check on the topic.
“These sites have teams of reporters who investigate the truth or falsity of these theories very conscientiously,” she said. “If you see a family member or friend posting misinformation, the most effective response would be to link to the explanation on one of these sites.”
Or, better yet, go to our.news/factcheck and copy-paste the link to the article in question. If the claim’s been professionally examined, Our.News will pull all of the relevant fact checks for you. It’s basically the world’s first fact-checking search engine.
6. Know when enough’s enough
If you ask them what it would take to change their mind, and they say absolutely nothing, it’s best to take them at their word and move along.
As much as we’d love to change everyone’s mind in an instant, that’s not how the world works. It’s important to recognize what’s within our control and what’s not.
And as much as these tips ought to be applied to conversations with friends and family, they’re probably reasonable guidelines for any other online interaction, too. Just because we don’t personally know someone, that doesn’t give us a license to be rude or disrespectful. Try to remember that we’re all seeking truth, and when we don’t get answers from those who ought to be providing them, at times, we resort to voices on the fringes to fill in the gaps.
Perhaps I’m naive to think so, but if we approach more conversations like we’re addressing our loved ones, I like to think our efforts might yield better results, and perhaps even, make the internet a marginally better place.
