Betty Johnson is a nationally respected help columnist, in the tradition of ‘Dear Abby’. There is no connection of any kind between Betty and Abby, financially or otherwise, and for good reason.
Dear Betty. After 22 years of marriage with my wife “Ellen”, there is a chasm in our marriage. If that had happened because Ellen hooked up with another man, that would be devastating for sure. I read your column regularly and that is a common story. What’s happened to me is not that at all.
During the years we have been together, politics was not really an issue for us. We would talk about who we were going to vote for at some elections, but not much else. Now, we have a political chasm. And a personal chasm.
So, how did this chasm come about?
It started while Donald Trump was running for president. I can’t blame him. It just started then. Ellen began watching Fox News and listening to conservative talk radio. She went from not giving politics the time of day to hanging on every word about the latest “development”, and then on to the newest “conspiracy theory” pedaled every week. And this stuff is blaring out of the TV all the time.
When I did bring the topic up recently, Ellen got very defensive. She asked how could I dare challenge what was clearly true? Thinking back, I didn’t speak up when it all got started. I just figured it would pass. It hasn’t though.
Now the chasm is too big to ignore.
Now, it’s more than just about politics. It’s bleeding into the rest of our lives. I just want to be close to my wife again. I just don’t know how to proceed. Your thoughts?
Signed: Miss My Wife
Dear Miss My Wife:
Every marriage is overly subject to many stress points. Firstly, you care about your marriage enough to write to me so eloquently. But do you have the stamina for the next grand step?
Fear is a momentous emotion. And whether it is Fox News or MSNBC or CNN, fear appears to be a jointly held thread between the three. If Ellen does have an element of fearfulness that drives her news binge, I don’t have the piece of an enormously large jigsaw puzzle that will tell you the answer you so wantonly want to know.
That being the case, I do have some advice on how best to intermingle with Ellen to start building a new and very improved reality between the two of you. Remember that each of you visibly looks at things much differently in your own way from each side of the chasm.
Something to consider
It’s important that you don’t lecture Ellen. Instead, reassure her ever so gently. Say things like ‘that sounds awful’ when you hear something that is indeed awful to her. Then, don’t demand. For example, simply ask ‘how about turning the TV off while we eat the dinner I’ve made’. If the answer is no, then ask if turning it down a bit is possible. Again, this is trying to create a joint reality as opposed to holding out against hope that she ‘will come around.’
During this new and exotic dance between the two of you, don’t try to reason with Ellen if she pontificates about something you think is off the tracks. Simply divert her awareness to another topic or occasion.
What next after that?
Your urgent goal is to bring a bit of peace between the two of you. All too obviously, though, it is not just about Ellen. It’s a chance for you both as a couple to come to grips with what you face. Hopefully you will make enough progress in concert to breathe a little freer. And even enough perhaps to see a marriage counselor if the two of you feel it would be helpful to embark on that journey.
Sincerely,
Betty Johnson, Elite Help Columnist
Ken Grotewiel writes for the publication Our Sacred Democracy on Medium and is a Founding Member of the None of the Above Society.
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