Why I triathlon
Looking back on from where I’ve come
Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us.
The American Buddhist author, Pema Chödrön, pinned this message to her wall as a daily reminder of letting go and of acceptance as she explains in her book, When Things Fall Apart.
Things fell apart for me last year when my wife Jennifer passed away in her sleep suddenly and unexpectedly. She had dealt with health complications her entire life yet, I was blindsided, unprepared, devastated. The events surrounding her passing were deeply traumatic. She was too young. We had so many plans and adventures to look forward to.
What we had been looking forward to most was parenthood. Though we weren’t medically able to carry children ourselves, we had found a surrogate from Wisconsin to carry our child for us. The embryo transfer was performed in mid-December and, after a few weeks of testing, we had confirmation on December 25th, 2015 that the procedure was successful: we were going to be parents to a baby boy. It was the most wonderful Christmas present. It was the last Christmas I shared with Jen.
When Jen passed away, our surrogate was six months pregnant. In the moments that followed, I realized… Jen would never get to meet her son; He would never get to meet his mother; I would have to raise him without her. It broke my heart.
In those moments, I also found an ounce of resolve. I knew I was now faced with the biggest challenge of my life and I would have much to learn to handle it. But someone had already taught me how. I was married to her.
Because of her medical conditions, Jen had faced adversity her entire life. She had been on dialysis for years at a time. She had endured multiple kidney transplants. She had survived sepsis. She’d recently completed six months of chemotherapy. She was literally scarred from countless surgical procedures and hospital visits. Yet, she was the most joyful person I’ve ever known. Full of laughter and love. She always put others first. Her courage and grace under the circumstances was astonishing. Can you imagine? So I pledged to be the best father I can be under the circumstances. I owed it to her and our boy.
He was born in Madison, Wisconsin on a hot August morning last year. I named him Jasper Thor Kaffenberger, after his mother (her initials JAS) and her great grandfather. The hospital staff was sympathetic to my situation and set me up with a room next to my surrogate. That first night was incredible and terrifying all at once. The nurses and my surrogate’s friends and family helped get me through.
My mother and Jen’s mother arrived soon after. We spent a few weeks in town learning (in their case, relearning) how to care for a newborn. We got to known our surrogate’s family. We got to know the city. Someone mentioned Ironman Wisconsin was a few weeks away. “Oh?” I said.
Back in 2010, I’d been inspired to pick up triathlon after team sports were no longer an option for me on my bad knee. Jen had encouraged me and cheered me on every step of the way. She has been there for almost every major race I’ve entered. She put up with my long training hours and mood swings during taper weeks. I’d run a few marathons and completed Ironman Coeur d’Alene back in 2014. After that, I backed off to focus on her health, my job, and our future plans.
I hadn’t realized there was an Ironman in Wisconsin, no less in Madison (hey, I’m an East Coaster). I got interested. I started running again. I jogged a loop of the marathon course. Back home with Jasper weeks later, I followed along on race day in between bottles and diaper changes. Then I signed up within days of registration opening up for 2017. I wanted to be an Ironman again.
Dedicating myself to training this past year has been a form of therapy for me. Training is controlled suffering and it is rehabilitating. I’ve come to understand how the daily physical exertion breaks down my body and, given time to heal, I become stronger. Through training, along with the unwavering support of my family and with the love of a beautiful baby boy, who everyday reminds me of his amazing mother, I’m learning to live with my grief.
It’s hard to describe how happy I felt during the race. This inner strength I’ve discovered and my gratitude for all I’ve been blessed with carried me through months of training, all the way to that finish line this past September. The race was the easy part.
I felt I was floating during the marathon. I couldn’t help but smile. I was thinking… I can survive. I can move forward. I am grateful. I am resilient. I’m going to be ok.
I found something indestructible in myself.
I’ll be participating in Ironman Chattanooga 70.3 on May 20, 2018 and Ironman Chattanooga 140.6 on September 30, 2018. Follow me on my triathlon journey here.
