Four Ways To Filter Work Feedback

Feedback is a gift

…

Bullshirt.

“Feedback is a gift” is a great line to gaslight someone, or if we’re being MGI (most generous interpretation), delude ourselves into thinking that every opinion shared is an opportunity.

That’s absurd. We are not receptacles, you shouldn’t accept everything people try to toss in.

Feedback needs higher standards and more accountability. Feedback impacts people’s careers. It impacts reputations. It impacts our perceptions of ourselves. It can have damaging effects if it’s both bad and lifted to the pedestal of “it’s a gift”.

Here’s some guidance on how to sort through the trash and find the treasure:

1. What’s the point? All good feedback should have a clear desired result. What does this person want to change or help you with by sharing feedback? If there’s not a clear “this is what I’m hoping will happen” or “this is why this matters”, ask. Feedback is someone else’s experience or perspective so clarity is important. If they can’t explain the purpose of the feedback, it may be trash and not your job to pick up. A big red flag is if they can’t succinctly tell you the point.
2. Do they have clear examples? Vague feedback is seldom helpful. The point should be succinct but examples should be available. Feedback can come from misalignment between people and understanding the other person’s experience with context is a keystone in understanding. There are going to be times when your intention does not match your impact and if you don’t get real examples with the feedback you may not be able to figure out where this happened.
3. Is this feedback timely? Feedback is time sensitive. If someone comes to you to talk about something that happened months ago the goal isn’t to help you grow, it’s to check a box for themselves or get something off their chest. Timing should make the examples easy to recall and ideally, potentially impact similar situations upcoming if you choose so. Feedback doesn’t have to be a one-way street sometimes it’s an opportunity to discuss different perspectives and if only one of you remembers what’s being referenced that won’t be possible.
4. What kind of feedback is this?

Is this performance related? (aka is this going to impact your employment?)

Is this growth related? (aka is this going to impact your promotion opportunities?)

Is this working relationship related? (Is this impacting people wanting to work with you?)

Is this personal?

I am hugely skeptical of personal feedback that doesn’t fit into any of the other categories. Personal feedback usually asks us to fit ourselves into what someone else needs or wants and disregards our job performance and individuality. Someone giving you personal feedback is rarely doing so on your behalf and will tell you more about them than you. And while some people will call that valuable information, I think that kind of coworker will make themselves known without needing to take on their baggage feedback.

What next?

Take some time before you respond. When feedback is a surprise we can jump into a defensive mode or solve mode or overexplain mode, or it’s all my fault mode. Try not to do this. Listen so you can get all of the information, ask questions for clarity, and take a beat.

In most circumstances, it is completely appropriate to say something along the lines of “ok, I’m going to think about what you shared today and how I’d like to move forward.” Give yourself a chance to decide if this is valuable feedback or bad feedback. I’m definitely guilty of defaulting to resolve it before I give myself a chance to decide how I want to handle it. Give yourself that time if you can.

Need help to work through feedback? Talk to someone you trust, can be at work or outside, but make sure that it’s someone who will be honest in their opinion and not default to your “side”. Someone who you have a mentor or coaching relationship with is great to do this with. Ideally, you should be able to work through your reactions and options for how to respond to the feedback with someone who has your best interests in mind but isn’t afraid to challenge you or tell you you’re wrong.

A high-performing team should strive to provide space for different styles of communication and trust that supports friction. Friction is often where the magic happens but you have to have trust and respect for this to occur in a productive way. So yes, feedback can be a gift, but it can also be the dirt you need to brush off your shoulder.

Recommended continued reading:

How To Survive Performance Reviews: 3 Emotional Intelligence Skills For Reviewers And Reviewees by Liza Dube