#28 __ i’ve seen you around

A common misconception is that parties are full of extroverts and social butterflies. All those crowds and loud conversations. Why would any sane introvert subject themselves to that nonsense?

It’s kinda like being on the subway. You’re on this journey together, and it’s often a lot more entertaining to have others there with you. But you can enjoy their presence without the obligation of holding up a conversation. When the first priority of a party is the music, direct social interaction isn’t a requirement to have a great time. Lots of people come out to do their own thing, with little interest in making friends or meeting new people. The people who appear to know everyone are often far more shy than you’d ever expect. These friendships have come more from hard work and persistence than any particular talent for meeting people.

For me, there‘s probably a hundred people in the Brooklyn dance scene that I’ve come across dozens and dozens of times, but haven’t talked to. We make eye contact once or twice during the night, sharing that briefest moment of recognition without acknowledgment. I’ve danced near them for hours and hours, stood behind them in line for the bar night after night.

Over time I come to know which nights I’m likely to see them. I could probably spot them from their silhouette, their body language, and style of movement. I have a rough sense of their core friend group based on who they’re talking to and how they greet each other. All this knowledge accumulates passively. I don’t seek it out — it just builds over the course of thirty or forty parties spent together. When I step back and tally it up, there’s a lot there. But neither of us have made that herculean effort to say hello.

The timing just hasn’t been quite right. The music’s too good to stop dancing. They’re with a bunch of their friends and I don’t want to barge in. I’m too tired and don’t want to make a weak first impression. Maybe we’re both feeling shy. The beauty of these environments is that there’s no need to force it. No rush, no pressure, no expectations.

Finally, the moment arrives. Some happy coincidence places us together and ready to chat. They’re talking to a mutual friend who can make the introduction. We’re both enjoying a cigarette alone. It took a year for this to happen, and it often starts with a phrase I’ve heard so many times: I’ve seen you around.

I love this phrase because it speaks to the vague nature of this ambient relationship. It’s a little disorienting because there’s this cognitive dissonance between such a specific familiarity with their presence but not really knowing anything about their personality or history. I don’t know when I became aware of their existence, and I’m not even certain we haven’t already met.

But then — the conversation immediately falls flat. Oh god, their personality is nothing like what I imagined from their dancing. I’m thrown for a loop and can’t think of anything clever to say. All that anticipation for no payoff. A few awkward volleys of conversation and I politely excuse myself back to the dance floor. Heh. Maybe next time.

Of course, sometimes it does work out and we find ourselves engrossed in hours of conversation. But in truth, often that first conversation isn’t that inspiring. It takes a few more tries before things warm up, even after all this time passively spent together. There’s still plenty of time to get there — because I’ll see them around.

Thank you so much for reading.

previously on outer ][ space:

• #27 __ gentrification
• #26 __ queerness
• #25 __ movement