Recovering from Spiritual Abuse: My Journey to Healing, Part 1

Authority to Serve

After 20 years of pursuing pastoral ministry only to be spiritually abused by my pastors in multiple churches, I had hit a low point in my faith. To be honest, I’m not sure I could have sunk any lower. Those who have experienced the Dark Night of the Soul know what I’m talking about. I didn’t want to think about anything related to God; no more reading, singing, writing, meditating, praying; no more listening to sermons, panel discussions, or podcasts; no more reading online articles, the current affairs; and definitely no more conversations concerning theology, apologetics, hermeneutics, homiletics, ethics, philosophy, or religion.

I noticed with this long string of my trust being broken by authority figures that I was changing, and I didn’t like what I was seeing. I was becoming loveless, unable to even care for those closest to me. One C.S. Lewis quotation that I had read years ago kept me from being “Okay” with my current lovelessness. I kept recalling this quotation and it acted as an anchor holding me in place/keeping me from throwing it all away. I’m very grateful for this warning.

Here’s the quotation from Lewis’ The Four Loves:

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”[1]

Do you remember the Pixar movie Inside Out? You’ll recall the film’s climax when Riley’s “control center” begins to turn completely black, indicating that Riley was becoming a shell of herself, unable to feel, numb, and moving through life without hope, love, or purpose. Well, my “control center” had begun to malfunction. I couldn’t feel it. With kids and a full-time job, I didn’t have time to process all that had taken place for me or to grieve, either. The rare times when the numbness in my heart would temporarily subside, my heart would be filled with unmatched pain. Tears are salty, which made my eyes heavy during the day. If thought about God filled my mind, it would typically be something like Psalm 88:18, “You have caused my beloved and my friend to shun me; my companions have become darkness.”

But something unexpected happened to me one morning. I was getting ready for work, then this statement suddenly pre-occupied my thoughts, “I can trust Jesus.” This was unexpected to me because I had been wrestling with the authority of God (and by extension I was wrestling with all delegated authority structures he had established according to the Bible). Yet, here was a statement that contained the smallest ray of hope to my soul. “I can trust Jesus?” I asked myself. “Why can I trust Jesus? How is Jesus not like the abusive domineering pastors I had experienced throughout my Christian faith?” As I put my work shoes on and grabbed my keys, the answer to why I could trust Jesus came to me through two claims that Jesus made about himself (and both are necessary):

1. “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me.” — Matthew 28:18

2. “For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” — Mark 10:45

Anyone who is reading this who has been oppressed, I urge you… PLEASE think about this: Authority and Service are meant to coexist. This thought did something to me… over the next few weeks, I considered what Jesus’ authority is like/how Jesus uses his authority. Jesus’ authority is used to serve others. His servant-authority would be experienced by having one’s feet washed, or by a leper being touched and healed, or by the five thousand being fed, or by the blind man given sight on the Sabbath, and ultimately, hanging on a cross for the salvation of humanity. Jesus used his authority not to be served, but to serve; unlike the domineering pastors from my past — who sought to cover the truth to serve & protect their reputation and who manipulated those under their authority to serve them — Jesus’ authority is completely different than that of bad pastors.

I then began to think about the authority structures set up by God in the Bible to see if the Bible taught this servant-authority in other contexts:

· Pastors/Elders/Bishops of the church (1 Peter 5:1–3)

· Husband of the family (Ephesians 5:23–28)

· Government of the land (Romans 13:3–7)

The Bible describes the intended authority of these three structures as authority to serve, not to be served.

Regarding Pastors: I want to be clear: There are many good, loving, and humble pastors/elders/overseers/bishops/deacons/church leaders, which is a gift to the church! The Biblical structure of church leadership is not evil — I wholeheartedly affirm the place for church leadership as seen in the Bible — but many people in these authority positions are unbiblical and disqualified. Jesus’ authority is different than the evil, disqualified so-called pastor, who is supposed to exercise his authority sacrificially for the good of the church like Jesus did. The bad pastor doesn’t speak the authority of God in the Bible in the sermons or meetings but speaks words based on his fallible knowledge, which has no authority at all. His sermons are full of his own opinions and his counseling is derived from personal anecdotes and “wisdom”, rather than from the Bible. He is not a pastor but a “hired hand”. He will not sacrifice himself for the good of the sheep. Rather, he “sees the wolf coming and leaves the sheep and flees, and the wolf snatches them and scatters them. He flees because he is a hired hand and cares nothing for the sheep” (John 10:12–13).

The pastor abuses his delegated authority by either being a domineering bully or by fleeing once wolves come, leaving the sheep exposed and vulnerable to unmentionable harm.

On the contrary, Jesus is “the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep” (John 10:11). He would rather die than let any harm be experienced by one of his own. Sacrificial authority is how Jesus leads. He uses his authority to serve and it is costly.

Regarding Husbands: After Paul told the Ephesian wives to submit to their husbands (Ephesians 5:24), he addressed the husbands in verses 25–28. Notice that the counterpart to Paul’s command for the wives to “Submit” was for the husbands to “L — word”… No, not “Lead”. Paul commands the Ephesian husbands to “Love” their wives! The husband’s authority (to which the wife is submitting) is experienced by his wife as love for his wife.

Furthermore, since few words are more misunderstood as “love”, Paul clarifies and tells husbands that the love for their wives needs to be like Christ’s love for the church, “who gave himself up for her”. Let’s make that point clear: Jesus’ authority over the church was used to love the church in such a way that moved him to die for the church’s greater good. There it is: Sacrificial authority should be how wives describe the leadership of their husbands. Husbands ought to be patient, kind, humble, polite, selfless, gracious, faithful, and encouraging to their wives. A husband’s authority should feel supportive, freeing, considerate, gentle, and caring.

Heavy-handed, Patriarchal leadership by husbands is an abuse of their delegated authority and provokes the holy anger of God and will be judged appropriately. It is not manly to boss around your wife. Only fearful and insecure men try to bully those around them. I remember a Senior Pastor talking to a group of aspiring pastors about a man’s authority. He taught them that God gave him authority because he is a man. Therefore, he concluded, that if he tells his wife that dinner needs to be ready by six o’clock, then she is to submit and have dinner ready by six o’clock. I asked him, “Why not use your authority to consider your wife and even help her prepare dinner? Ask her what time would work for her to eat dinner and ask how you can serve her by helping. Serve, don’t demand.”

It is also disgraceful when the gunshots are fired, and the husband hides behind his wife — not willing to take a bullet for her. Any husband who uses his delegated authority to hide from his duty to love his wife sacrificially is abusing his delegated authority and is not seeking the greater good for his wife the way Christ did for the church.

Regarding the Government: A selfish corrupt politician has become the modern-day definition of a politician for many. Are there good noble citizens working honorably within our government? I’m sure there are. Whether it be the legislative, judicial, or executive branch of government, I’m sure there are well-meaning and helpful people honorably serving. Due to its cultural relevance, I want to consider the police. Are there good noble citizens working honorably in police departments? Absolutely. I know some.

The police are part of the executive branch of the government. During recent protests in response to systemic racism in America, police officers and police stations all over the country used their delegated authority in diametrically opposing ways. Some used their authority to use riot shields, combat gear, batons, and shoot tear gas at protesters, media, and onlookers. Others used their authority by kneeling before the protesters in unity with their message and joining in the marching. One approach was domineering and the other was humble. One sought to demand its ways via military force and the other was positioned to wash feet, listen and better understand those subjected to such authority. Guess which one had the better result? The police code of ethics summed up as “To Protect & To Serve” must apply not only to the white and wealthy but must especially be true for the minorities and the poor, or else its authority is abusive.

In these three structures of authority that the Bible teaches, the one with the delegated authority is prescribed from Scripture to use the authority sacrificially for the greater good. Therefore, where authority is abused it is not due to the Bible. When the Bible is used to justify abusive authority, the content of the Bible is being twisted and manipulated to only seem like the Bible is saying this/not that to serve the authority figure (2 Peter 3:16); Twist the Bible to be served, instead of serving.

This reminder of Jesus’ servant-like authority started to bring healing to me. I can trust Jesus because his authority is used sacrificially to serve me. And, it is this servant-like authority of Jesus that is meant to be duplicated by pastors, husbands, and police officers (and all authority figures in life).

But my journey out of the Dark Night of the Soul was not over; Next, I had to deal with the distortion brought on by spiritual abuse, which had me believing, “Yeah, I can trust Jesus, but I don’t trust God (the Father).” Inconsistency in my heart had developed about the Trinity. This inconsistency had to be dealt with head-on if I was to find healing. I now praise God for this inconsistency.

To be continued…

[1] This quotation is not saying that one should stay in an abusive relationship. Absolutely not! Rather, how does one who has suffered such harm and after escaping, over time, become healthy — and what does “healthy” even look like? As it pertains to my experience, this is how C.S. Lewis’ quotation positively affected me.