The Power of Unlearning: 4 Practices to Unleash Your Inner Self
Unlearning. It’s an interesting concept, isn’t it?
If you’re like me, you’ve spent a whole lot of time defining who you are, and what you want with life.
And, if you’re like me, for some reason, despite all the work and effort going into defining and redefining this, something was missing.
I always fell short with this exercise. There was a core part of me that couldn’t be tapped into. I would feel frustrated, constrained, and honestly a bit claustrophobic. Like I couldn’t see beyond a certain point no matter how hard I tried, because a layer of thick fog constantly covered it.
After a few cycles of this, I knew the approach had to be different. How much of this fog was the symptom of constraints defined by the stories I’ve told myself? How much was defined by societal influences and boundaries? By my own self-doubt?
Likely a lot.
Cue the long, uncomfortable practice of unlearning. Stripping away the constructs and boundaries designed by myself and my experiences. By my peers, and society at large. I leaned into challenging the lens through which I was defining myself and ultimately living my life through.
You see, unlearning isn’t about forgetting. In fact, what we know and who we are today is a critical part of the unlearning process. It whispers hints and directions at us, so we know where to dig into the cracks. Where to look for the callouses, and where we’ve pulled the safety nets.
Unlearning is making a shift outside of the framework we already know. Stepping outside of the glass box we were trapped in to change our perspective. Transforming our entire mode of operation. It’s a powerful practice.
1. Journal for Clarity
The last few weeks have been focused on stripping away the noise. Not so hard while we’re in self isolation during COVID-19, but I used this time to dig deep and identify my reactive, learned behaviors. A lot of it came out through journaling and free writing.
What started to emerge were themes in a number of different areas. The lifestyle I wanted. Things that frustrated me. Things that scared me. Hurt me. The things that made me happy to my very core. The outputs I wished to be living, without all the “buts” and “ifs.”
As I began to string those themes together, those non-negotiable, bare-bone necessities were so simple. And like most things in life, my own stories created the complexity around them.
The conflict and complications we feel are usually extrapolations of a few very simple needs.
Knowing our simple needs allows us to anchor into them in order to shift the narrative that surrounds them.
2. Redefine what is “True”
The part of my childhood that I most remember — that I’ve used to more or less define me into adulthood was how shy I was. How insecure. How I got made fun of because we grew up modestly, so I didn’t have the cool clothes, or the nice things. I was lanky, tall, awkward — didn’t really know how to carry myself. And because of that, human interactions were a nightmare.
But that was the lens I looked at my own childhood through. It was my truth.
Then I hear stories from my parents and friends. How as a toddler, I wasn’t shy. I was never afraid to ask questions. How I had a sharp mind, and wasn’t afraid to clap back at answers if I didn’t believe them. They’ll say some adults would get nervous around me because I was so curious, and they weren’t sure how to answer all my questions.
My friends will say how nice I was. How I was easy to trust and talk to. Well, at least my girlfriends will say that. The boys will say I was a major tomboy, and some of them were afraid of me because I was taller than them, and got pretty competitive with games and sports.
Their truth.
Whoa, those narratives are way different.
That, my friends, is the power of perspective. Same situation, two very different accounts. All true to the beholder of the perspective.
Try this exercise
Think of a situation you were in with someone, and write down your version of it. Then talk to them, and hear how they interpreted it. How was it different? How was it the same? What are the things they remembered and emphasized that you didn’t? The same situation can be interpreted in so many different ways.
If you want to take it a step further, talk to the people in your life about how they see you. An input exercise to learn more about how you show up to the people around you, not narrated through your own inner voice, but through the voice of others.
Side note: as you do this, save the good stuff in a “Hype file” — things that pleasantly surprised you that you can go back to on the tougher days to remind yourself just how loved and unique you are.
You see, the stories we tell ourselves today are just that. Stories. But our stories become our truth.
So, redefine what is true for you. What are the stories you’ve been telling yourself that have created walls, boundaries — a perspective that has influenced how you make decisions or navigate life. How have your stories become your truth? Is it worth revisiting? Unlearning?
3. Know It Will Get Hard
When you unlearn something, naturally you’re going to change. And change is hard. Especially when it’s a way of thought — a framework of living that you’re questioning and redefining.
It’s also easy to fall into the trap of doing the same thing over again, and falling into what was comfortable. Something I’ve started doing is sharing what I’m unlearning with select people I trust.
The ask is for them to help me, and to be change agents in my life.
To hold me accountable by telling me when they see me exhibit the limiting action or behavior. It helps to get feedback in the moment.
On top of that, you’ll be digging into some core issues and reasons why you think/act a certain way in given situations. Getting there is tough, but once you get there, the unraveling is so liberating.
4. Approach it as a Journey
Like most things in life, unlearning is a journey, not an end state. As we evolve, as we grow — as we learn, unlearn and change, this is something we should constantly practice. Is our truth serving us? Are we constrained again? Is our framework once again limiting? If so, rewrite it.
Shift your perspective. Write a different story.
It’s worth it, this exercise, to change the mental model and lens that directs how you live your life. So, write your own rules. Unlearn. And see where it takes you.
“Intelligence is what we learn. Wisdom is what we unlearn.”
― J.R. Rim
