Stilled
as the world mourned and struggled to contain its entirety between concrete, i stood still
my hopes, dreams, emotions, life…paused…waiting for the machinations of fate to touch me just once, to irrevocably change my existence, to do something that i could never do
exhausted from fighting, i lay down my burdens, my desires, i slid into the arms of the ever-forgiving sea…a hope of being held, a hope of drowning…a need to stop feeling…everything
eyes closed, heart stilled, in desperate prayer…i surrendered to a thoughtless regime
benumbed i stood, unaware of time, of faces, of voices…hiding in the depths of apathy…
a niggling awareness of the hurt i might be causing to the voices i shunned — the only indication that i still lived — wormed its way through my skin, trails of loathing left behind, engendering even more apathy…
a perverse knowledge that swimming out of the depths to meet the scouring sun would be worse than the slow burning of lungs…that memories would fade better under the refracting sea than the brightness of light…kept me suspended…
i fell deep…nearing the point where i’d be unable to return…forever…
and awoke obdurate life…unwanted, unwilling, i screamed as my limbs disobeyed, swam me up
i resisted, needing to escape…they overrode, needing to live…
i ended up on the shore…and here i am…suspended between inaction and action
but praying for the latter…
© Indira Reddy 2022
