And you’re not going to like it
I am cheating on my son by writing to you. I promised him that I’d write him a letter with a life lesson or story I have for him from each letter of the alphabet. But then the day dawned for me to write a letter from the alphabet ‘S’ and all I could think about was you.
I still think about our illicit affair that we managed to keep alive and kicking for 27 long years. Everyone knew the two of us were in love and even though I got married, my affair with you was something I couldn’t give up. In fact, I spoke about you with so much love and tenderness that even the husband got attracted to you. I still remember fondly those many afternoons my husband, me and you spent in such comfort, with no care for time or who saw us.
Tears prick my eyes when I think of the big argument we had when you found out I was pregnant. I couldn’t believe you were making me choose between you and the baby I had always dreamed of. But, angry as I was, I still have fond memories of those last two months we spent with each other cuddled together in my warm bed almost every evening and then again at night.
Everyone warned me that you wouldn’t be able to bear the sight of my baby. That you would leave and that I’d miss you. I didn’t listen to them. The thought of my baby joining me in this world consumed my every breathing moment. It is only on the night you finally left, frustrated with my stubborness that I understood what loss is. Sleep, you left a void so big and so dark in my life that no amount of baby love could ever fill! I cannot tell you how difficult that first year without you was.
Even when you decided to come back to me, I could sense your reluctance at sharing me with my son. You’d come visit for an hour or two and then leave in a huff the moment he woke up. I tried keeping you both happy but it seems like the two of you simply can’t co-exist.
I always thought I would breastfeed my son until he was ‘ready to wean by himself’. But, I knew that for the sake of our relationship, I had to do something before you gave up on me and I lost you forever. I finally told my son that I had chosen you over him. Atleast for the night. For a month, night after night my son was in tears. I walked with him, rocked him and even made a special song for him. You will be happy to know the song was all about you. I If I could only show him your good side maybe he’d understand.
Miraculously it worked! After two long months of facing anger from both of you, we have finally found a new normal. Just as my husband learned he had to share me with you to keep me happy, I can sense that my son has accepted the inevitable too. If not the whole night then atleast long enough for us to spend some quality time together.
It’s only been a couple of months but my joy at having you back knows no bounds. Waking up after spending the night with you fills me with a renewed sense of purpose. I wake up filled with hope that I can finally conquer this motherhood gig!
You must be wondering why I’ve written you a letter. I could have simply told you all of this tonight when we met after all. But Sleep, you see I am afraid. I couldn’t look you in the eyes when I told you this and hence it felt easiest to write. I don’t know how to say this.
But, Sleep. I am pregnant again.
This post is part of the annual #BlogChatterA2Z Challenge .When my son was born I promised myself I’d write him love letters as often as I could as this challenge is part of that promise. S is for Sleep. What else could any mom write about? Do follow P for Parenting for more articles in this series and to read my next post Then there were two.