10 Dating Profiles I Won’t Swipe Right For

Photo by Tumisu / Pixabay

Online dating has rarely been fun for me. At this point, it’s just something to do when I’m extra bored or feeling extra lonely. Unfortunately, in the time of quarantine, boredom and loneliness are not hard to come by.

I typically try one app at a time, for 1–4 days. I have a love-hate relationship with dating apps. I’ve been trying online dating for about 3 weeks straight now, my longest run ever, while we’re on lockdown. While I’ve had some interesting conversations so far, I don’t think I’ll be meeting my next long-term boo anytime soon.

I don’t match with others often, maybe because I’m too picky. A previous match of mine, who I ended up going on a couple of dates with, tested this for me. He bet me (a kiss) that I would match with at least ten out of 20 right-swipes if I swiped right consecutively. I matched with 11.

And yes, he was a good kisser.

I can’t quite explain what makes me swipe right on profiles, but I know for sure what makes me swipe like Beyonce — to the left, to the left.

Here are ten profile types that get no love from me:

1. The Gym Rat Profile — I appreciate a nice body as much as the next person, but sometimes it can be a bit overwhelming to see nothing but photos of you going hard in the gym. Your body is great, good on ya’! However, I can imagine I’d feel a bit intimidated by your workout schedule. Being dragged into your passion for working out could be fine, but honestly, that’s not where I am right now. I want to take my time appreciating where my body is and working out at my own pace, I wouldn’t want to feel pressured to keep up with your #legday routine. I’m having way more fun binge-watching Netflix, munching on snacks, and only lifting my legs to get to the bathroom and kitchen.
2. The Open Air and Water Sports Profile — Your zest for nature and the rush you get from deep-sea diving, skiing down large slopes, climbing the highest of mountains is admirable. But I can’t swim, my legs don’t work the way they used to, and I have a fear of heights. Are these things I can overcome? Yeah, sure. Do I think I will anytime soon? Probably not. I know myself. I know what I am capable of and how my life is. I appreciate those of you who can appreciate exploration in those ways and more, but when I go on vacation, my idea of a good time is something that keeps my feet planted to the earth, with a drink in my hand. Okay, maybe I’ll zipline, ride an ATV, and participate in karaoke at a resort, but if you’re looking for a partner who will jetski and go bungee jumping with you … I’m not your match.
3. The Gang’s All Here Profile — I am happy to see you have friends. That’s awesome that you have a crew and you all seem so happy to be together in every. single. photo. on your profile. However, I can’t tell which of you I am swiping for. Left!
4. The Misogynist Profile — You’re here looking for “no drama”, a woman who will keep a gag in her mouth while cooking and cleaning for you, all while wearing a sexy maid’s outfit. Maybe you didn’t type that up and put it on your profile, but the memes you posted that indicate that say more than enough. Instead of looking for a “good woman who knows how to treat a man” maybe you should be looking for a therapist.
5. The Hook-Up Profile — I understand that we’re not all looking for an LTR. Some of us, just want to have “fun”. My preference, however, is for that to be stated clearly in the profile text, rather than via peen-pic in profile images. Sure, you’ve got a nice member, but you haven’t included anything else about yourself. I have no idea what your face looks like, if you can spell, if you’re old enough to be on the apps, and if you are really the person packing in the photos. So … no thanks.
6. The Secret Profile — I am so curious to know if the profiles that have no images of an actual person, created by someone who is a “high-level exec”, a “public figure”, or well-known guy, are actually getting attention. Are people really meeting this way? I can’t imagine swiping right on a profile that didn’t include any personal information or real sense of personality. Well, actually those profiles to me, do say that someone is doing something they probably shouldn’t be doing. What if we end up hitting it off? What will we tell people about how we met if you aren’t allowed/comfortable being on the app?
7. The Obvious Catfish Profile — Why are you lying? We know that is a blurry, Google-found image of Cristiano Ronaldo. We know you’re using stock photos of B-and C-list celebrities. We have seen that guy in commercials, and we know he’s not on Tinder looking for love. Stop with the fake profiles. It’s obvious, annoying, and it’s a bit sad. There’s a whole TV series dedicated to people like you. Why are you still trying to fool us?
8. ** The Open Relationship Profile — I’m actually not against non-monogamous relationships. What I am against are one-sided, non-monogamous relationships. Are you and your spouse in an open marriage, or is it just you? I’ll chat with you, but your partner better know you’re looking, and they better be okay with it because you two have agreed to have that sort of relationship. Don’t lie and sneak around and call it an open relationship. Don’t be a cheater, cheaters are lame.
9. The Fan Base Profile — I’m not looking to help you increase your following on social media. You’re cute and all, and I’m down to support anyone looking to spread a positive message and #makethatadmoney, but that’s not what I’m here for. Next!
10. The Straight Woman Looking for Friends Profile — Last, but most definitely not least … ladies, you are great. I’m actually quite upset that I am not more attracted to women because ya’ll are beautiful beings. However, I’m here looking for a long-term, male partner, and that’s not you. If we crossed paths in life and became great friends, that’d be amazing. But this app is not quite the path I intended to make friends on. Until we meet IRL, good luck!

The deal is, I know myself. I know what I am (not) interested in and what I am (not) looking for. Sometimes what I am (not) looking for changes and that’s fine. Basically, what I am saying is these are my opinions, associated with my current preferences.

This is also not to say that my approach has worked. I’m still single and I still have a bunch of matches that haven’t led to any communication. I also have had matches that have been flops.

None of us are perfect, and our experiences won’t always be perfect, but it’s okay to know what you like and don’t like. It’s also great that the apps make it super easy to indicate those interests with a swipe or a click. On one hand, it can be exciting to have so many options at your fingertips. On the other hand, it’s okay to have fun with it, relax, and explore the possibilities. It’s easy to judge books by their covers, but we don’t have to.

Sit back and enjoy the swipes, whether you’re going left or right.