40 & never married: choosy or too young? Let the truth set you free!
The thing about growing up is some amount of wisdom/experience slips in whether you like it or not. You become more reflective and start to look for the causality in situations. Being 40 and never married, the first thing you notice is that the imbalance between married/unmarried friends is now obvious. At 40 your ratio of married/unmarried friends will not be equal. I would want to bet, it won’t even be close, there would usually be a clear difference.
Does this really mean anything though? If I have more single friends does that mean I don’t really want to get married? If I have more married friends does this mean I secretly crave being married? All of these reflects, what might be a modern day occurrence that adds more complexity to the situation. The complexities of living in the modern world means it might take longer before an individual gets to a position he/she feels economically positioned to start a family. At this point though, a lot of wisdom has slipped in, which might or might-not facilitate easier match-ups.
In my earlier years (teenage) partnering up was really easy, the hormones were in control! By my mid twenties the beginnings of choice began to occur, although it was still almost entirely about looks, the hormones were no longer in absolute control. There was some degree of brainwork involved in the matching process. Then I am in my thirties, there is even more brainwork involved in match-ups: looks, personality, societal niche are all factors to consider when I am trying to get involved with someone.
Then boom 40 and the brain is even more in control, in-fact part of the brain’s first objective is to control the hormones. Now finding a partner requires considering: looks, personality, societal niche, medical compatibility, family dynamics, genetics, religion, immigration status e.t.c. The list just goes on and on! I think these are definitely modern considerations because I seriously doubt this guy below had this much thinking to do when finding a partner.
There might also be a variable element to this situation, meaning as our perspective changes some of these factors might change as well. If you had been based in the USA till you were 40, then relocated to Europe due to professional/career opportunities. Liking and settling in Europe might mean your considerations for a partner changes all over again!
I find this logic quite comforting, the thought that being single might be due to the complexity of the modern world and has nothing to do with me. But is this absolutely true? Are some people just inherently choosy regardless of options available? Maybe there is something else at play.
The increased time required for individual economic maturity/ self-sufficiency might also indicate an increased time to individual social maturity as well. The perceived difficulty in actually committing to another individual could be the result of not being matured enough socially, to be willing to make the compromises required for easily matching with another person.
As I ponder all these possibilities, chief among them the possibility that I am simply overthinking everything, it occurs to me, maybe we should turn a disadvantage into an advantage. Overcoming adversity is one of the most bonding experiences for us as humans. People that band together to overcome obstacles often form bonds that sometimes last a life-time. What does this mean you ask?
Simply this “instead of finding the perfect partner, find someone to create perfection with you”. Rather than looking for someone that might compliment us, let’s start looking for people who will join us in exploring our perspectives and complexities. Take the focus from the result, to the process. Rather than focusing on the product (someone that will meet our expectations), let’s share the process (develop expectations together as a couple).
Typically meeting someone new, will stop being about what each person wants or doesn’t want. It could become about what each of you think will help things work, or what each of you thinks are things that stop things from working out. In other words it’s asking that we band together to navigate the complexities of “loving” in the modern era.
The paradigm shift could take the focus off a self centric, “result” oriented perspective, to a couple centric “process” oriented perspective. This will help illuminate the truth about each of us and why we expect what we expect. This just might be one of the situations where finding and knowing the truth shall set you free!
Yinka Ayinla
MBA, PMP, Beng
