6 “Mr. Wrongs” to Avoid on Online Dating Sites
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Like it or not, no matter where you live or how old (or young) you are, if you’re single and looking for love, at some point you’ll likely dip a toe into the murky waters of online dating. Sure, you could wait for one of your friends or your Aunt Sally to introduce you to that special someone, or keep hoping that cute guy at the gym will finally notice you, but get real: how’s that working out for you?
Here are the latest stats*: There are currently over 54 million single people in the U.S. Nearly 50 million of them have tried online dating, split almost evenly along gender lines (52.4% men; 47.6% women). Some linger on the sites for years. Others give up after just a few months. Some are looking for a long-term relationship (known online as” LTR”); others just want a hookup. Still others troll the sites out of sheer boredom, not really wanting to meet someone. Sure, people do meet online and live happily ever after (or so I’ve heard). Of the marriages that took place last year, 17% of the couples met online.
Here’s the thing, though: Particularly if you are a woman of a certain age, divorced or widowed, and are looking for true love and happiness ever after, you need to avoid the following 6 types of men online like the plague. (This advice may also apply to men looking for women, but I can only speak to what I know).
1. He’s over 50 and has never been married (or in a long-term, live-in, committed relationship). I know this one is a cliché, and in my quest to remain open-minded and non-judgmental, initially, I decided to give these guys a chance. I was wrong. In this case, the conventional wisdom is spot on. I’m sorry to report that there is just something, somehow wrong with these men. Either they can’t commit, are truly weird (not in a good way), are too set in their ways to make room for a partner in their life, or aren’t really interested in sharing their life with another person. When I asked one cute, charming guy I dated to tell me about his last long-term relationship, he said it was 15 years ago. I was shocked, but decided not to judge. After 6 or 7 very pleasant dates, he was gone. Lesson learned.
2. He engages you with endless witty emails and/or texts, never making plans to meet. This guy either wants a pen pal or just loves hearing himself talk. He rants about Trump, the global political situation, discusses his favorite obscure jazz musician or modern artist, and pontificates at great length about his philosophy on life. But agree to meet for a cup of coffee? No way. The only effective way to deal with the endless emailer is to set an arbitrary number of written communications you’re willing to engage in before agreeing to talk and/or meet in real life (IRL). Maybe it’s 4 or 5 written exchanges. Then tell him you’d like to chat on the phone and make a date to meet. If he balks, move on.
3. His profile says way too much — or way too little. Writing about oneself doesn’t come easily for most people — especially when addressing an anonymous group of strangers, one of whom you hope will become a significant other. So it’s entirely understandable that putting together a dating profile makes some men uncomfortable. But come on, there are literally thousands of articles out there about how to create an effective profile (I may even have penned some of them myself)! So beware the man whose profile goes on and on about the details of his dietary and exercise regimens, religious experiences, and past relationships, and who catalogs at length the characteristics his dream woman must have and — sometimes even more specifically — must not have. Chances are he’s a narcissist, or worse. He’ll have a hard time finding a partner because he’s too much in love with himself. And like his cousin, the endless emailer, he’s so enthralled with his own voice and wealth of knowledge that he craves an audience, not a partner. Beware too of the man whose profile says nothing about who he is, what he does for a living, or what kind of relationship he seeks. Having nothing to say is as much of a red flag as having too much to say. One guy’s profile summary was a single verse from a somewhat obscure Leonard Cohen song — that’s it. I recognized the lyric and emailed him to say I really liked the song (I thought he’d appreciate that I recognized it), but that it would be nice if his profile told a bit more about him. He tersely responded that he felt it said all he needed to say. No mention of our common appreciation of the songwriter. OK — good luck with that!
4. He’s too lazy or too clueless to include a decent photo in his profile. Even if you believe beauty is only skin deep, posting a profile without any photos is just unacceptable. It means the guy is either too lazy to come up with even one picture, or, equally distressing, that he doesn’t know how to post a photo online! In an age when pretty much everyone has a smart phone, how hard is it to ask a friend or family member to snap a few pics? If the guy does manage to post some photos, click away if they are (choose one): 1. From the Eisenhower era; 2. Completely out of focus; 3. Include any bathroom mirror selfies (dude, I don’t want to see your toilet!); 4. Consist entirely of extreme close ups, or show the subject wearing sunglasses and/or a hat in each shot; 5. (My personal favorite): consist almost entirely of random artwork, landscapes, and pictures of his dog.
5. He comes on really, really strong, right out of the gate. This guy is tough to resist, because he will make you feel oh-so-special and oh-so-appreciated — and who doesn’t love that? He’ll talk about a rosy future with you, either before or just after you meet for the first time. He’ll tell you you’re gorgeous, that he is hot for you, that he can’t believe how lucky he is to have met you — even though, in reality, he barely knows you. The problem with this guy is that he is so mercurial (probably downright crazy, in fact) that inevitably, just as suddenly as his adoration blossomed, it will equally as suddenly completely wither away, once he actually gets to know you a bit. He will realize that you do not in fact match his pre-conceived, idealized vision of the perfect woman; you are a real, live individual with your own likes, dislikes, and quirks. Since no one can live up to his Platonic ideal of Woman with a capital “W,” you’re bound to disappoint him — and fast. It’s a no-win situation, so learn to recognize the warning signs early. Don’t be blinded by the flattery and attention. Just run.
6. He is 10, 20, or even 30 years your junior. You will, from time to time, receive emails where the sender compliments you on some aspect of your profile — either your radiant smile or a random common interest like “coffee and conversation.” Sure, you’re attractive, and yes, you look terrific for your age. But do not flatter your 55-year-old self that a 26-year-old is seriously interested in you. This person is not who he says he is. File this one under “spam” and move on. If the person persists, block him. There are lots of spammers and lots of online scams. If someone emails you and immediately asks you to contact them outside of the website’s interface, don’t do it. If you suspect something fishy, you can report the incident to the site.
What types of “Mr. Wrongs” have you encountered online? Send me an email at timeandagain2016@gmail.com (that’s the email I use for online dating; I recommend you too use a dedicated email address for your online dating communications).
*Research conducted in May, 2017 by Statistic Brain
