A Guide to Running the LA Marathon to Seduce Your Boss
Because who doesn’t love a grand gesture?
When I was in college, there was a notorious party house called “Marathon”, named after the 24-hour stretch of debauchery it hosted at the start and end of each academic year. As far as “marathons” go, that was my only experience.
So why, at 30 years old did I commit to run the 26.2 miles from Dodger stadium to the Santa Monica Pier?
Easy. I wanted to bone my boss.
Let’s say a 6-year stint working for ill-fated start-ups leads you back into the hospitality industry, and the only silver lining is an intense attraction to your charismatic general manager. Sure, he has the physique of a chicken nugget (mostly torso, short limbs) and a small head for a LOT of face, but nevertheless, you’re hooked. Face it, you want to f*ck your boss.
Step 1: When current culture creates a obstacle, get creative.
But it’s 2018 and NOT a great time to be crushing on one’s boss (#metoo, amiright?). Gone are the days where you could get drunk at the holiday work party, screw the hot bartender in your car and POOF — you’ve got your first LA boyfriend.
Lucky for you, your boss is an avid runner, and he’s convinced corporate to sponsor a company Marathon team! The staff is unenthused and the team is looking slim. But YOU can sign up! After all, how hard can it be? Your boss is psyched! He prints you out a Novice Training Schedule and you feel SEEN!
Step 2: Make a play list and start RUNNING!
You make a playlist to keep motivated on the road. A few to remind you of the task at hand: “Born to Run”, “Faster Than the Speed of Night”, “Don’t Stop Me Now”. Then throw in a couple to remind you what you’re doing this all for: “I Want Your Sex”,“One Way or Another”, “Let’s Get It On”.
He tells you if you can run 3 miles, you can run a marathon. Turns out running 3 miles is VERY hard for you. Usually this is the point where a task presents as too difficult and you quit. But not this time, you have an employer to sleep with!
Step 3: Escalation!
Almost 2 months of training under your belt and you’re feeling good! You even ran 10 miles the other day and only stopped to dry heave by the side of the road TWICE. #GreatJob.
But enough about that. More importantly, your relationship with your boss is progressing! You discover he’s been into you all along! There have just been so many things in the way: he’s your boss, he’s been hurt before, he couldn’t tell if you were interested (as if you’re running this marathon for your HEALTH or something).
Step 4: Have the other (running) shoe drop.
So you’ve nailed your boss, you’re doing the whole “seeing each other in secret” thing and your on track to run this race. Smooth sailing forever, eh? Ah yes, the dreaded plateau.
First the running. Up until now you’ve been rocking your training, but you’ve flatlined. You can’t up your pace or mileage despite all that damn training. And your outer knee is starting to hurt. A LOT. So much that one day you have to stop mid-run and limp the remaining 5 miles home. It’s NOT a cute look.
To add to this frustration, things with your boss aren’t quite as explosive as you hoped. The sneaking around is stressing him out and he’s blowing you off … a lot. He keeps saying he’ll take you on a “real date” but only seems to reach out when he gets off work at 1am. Seriously, dude?
Step 5: Channel your frustration into TRAINING!
This is NOT how you expected this to go. You’re insecure, over-sensitive, and have a LOT of feelings. Usually this is when you call up friends to go out for a night of drinking and poor decisions. But instead you’ve found a better way to deal with your stress.
You keep on training!
You have your feet evaluated to correct your knee pain. Turns out you have the high arches and inseams of a ballerina (which you tell EVERYONE)! You blast angry music as you blast down Melrose Avenue in pursuit of the 8-minute mile. You revel in the feeling of the sweat soaking through your shirt as you wave at the transgendered ladies on Santa Monica & Highland who hoot for you as you pass.
Step 6: Get a runner’s high. It’s a thing.
You start to notice something strage happening. The more you run, the clearer your head seems. Not only are you reaching this zen state and feel AMAZING afterwards, but you start to see things for what they are. You begin to care less about that text your boss never responded to and the dwindling amount of time you spend together.
As you glance at the reflection of the badass bitch evenly striding down Beverly Blvd, you wonder why she would give so much of herself to someone who doesn’t seem to really respect her? You begin to think about other things, like where your real talents lie, and are you just kinda treading water?
These questions take over the space occupied by your boss. By the time you do your penultimate 20 mile run, you don’t even check to see if he watched your instagram story.
Step 7: Run the damn thing!
It’s RACE DAY! The restaurant crew groups together. Things have been weird with your boss lately but you give each other an encouraging high five cause we’re all grownups here.
Then you’re off! Throughout Chinatown you run in each other’s proximity, but somewhere between Silverlake and Hollywood you lose him. Whether he’s ahead of you or behind, you don’t know. You’re not thinking about him at all.
You’re energized by the cheering crowd supporting this ragtag group of Angelenos trying to do something incredible. Strangers wave and smile at you. People offer water, fruit, words of encouragement. Things get a little dodgy around mile 20 but you keep on going and you finally cross the finish line at Santa Monica Pier!
YOU DID IT!
In 4 hours 32 minutes, almost a full half hour under your goal! The sweat is crystallizing on your skin, your body tastes salty, but you’re walking on air. It might be the extreme fatigue your muscles are experiencing, but right now it feels like flying.
You don’t see your boss at the finish line. You’ll find out later you finished WAY before him. But that’s not important right now. You raise a glass to your accomplishment and for the first time in a while, you feel hopeful and happy.
Step 8: Quit your job. Realize you are capable of doing ANYTHING.
The next day you wake up feeling different (and not just because every muscle is screaming). You feel clarity. Motivation. You feel like, yes, you ran a marathon, but more importantly followed through with something that seemed impossible. You wonder what else you can acheive. You wonder what changes you have to make in order to fully become the incredible person you are finally realizing you are.
You quit your job.
You meet up with your boss one last time to put in your two weeks notice (cause you’re a lady). You say it was nothing personal. You are surprised you feel no animosity, no hurt, no bitterness towards him. Instead there’s almost a sense of gratitude, as perhaps he was the catalyst for this chrysalis you’ve experienced. That night you look up graduate writing programs and start your applications.
You never see your boss again. But you write and run every day since.
