A hormonal day!
So, as the title suggests, today is a hormonal day! I am feeling.. sad. And so, I will write!
I have now been broken up with him for longer than we were together. I am over him, almost completely! It was a short relationship, but (most of) it was oh so sweet. Therein lies my problem! It was my favourite ever relationship and we fell in love quickly and deeply.
Since he walked away, I have been through what I can only describe as a total breakdown and managed to pick myself up again — it has been bloody difficult, I can tell you! With the things I have been through in my 40 years, things much worse than a break up, I still don’t understand how this particular event was the one that finally broke me completely (for several months). I feel like I have become a child, in that I cannot understand how, how?! How can you be so in love with someone, talk to your family about this person, plan a future with this person… and then just walk away? Do you see what I mean about being a child? For goodness sake, I have been married and divorced in the past. People break up after 50 years. These things are a part of life, they happen. I think this ‘ignorance’(?) is a result of having been single for 10 years before he came along. Yes, 10 years — I was busy! I had completely forgotten the heartbreak of a failed relationship and so, it’s like it happened for the first ever time… and I did not like it one bit!
I reacted in the exact way you are NOT meant to react to a break up. The way you reacted to your first break up, when you were 15! I did everything you shouldn’t do, short of turning up at his house (but don’t think it didn’t cross my mind!). By the time he finally had to block me (oh, the shame!) I am certain that he was patting himself on the back for getting out when he did, a lucky escape! What a psycho. Me I mean, I’m the psycho. The depression and anxiety that took over me for the next 4 or so months resulted in medication, professional ‘help’ and hurting everyone around me by letting them see how low I had fallen.
But why? WHY?! Why did it mess me up so much? Why do I still have days like today now and then (yes, mainly on hormonal days!) where it gets to me so much — where I start thinking of the lovely parts of the relationship, of him? Oh, how lovely he was. Initially. He was the perfect man, until he changed his mind. That is basically what happened, he changed his mind. Making his excuses of needing to work on himself, he left. And I broke.
Please tell me I am old enough now for this never to happen to me again! Please tell me next time I will be stronger. I will be. Right..?
SKM, 21.06.2018
