My story of unrequited love
A lover’s hell
“Because what’s worse than knowing you want something, besides knowing you can never have it?”
― James Patterson, The Angel Experiment
Couple years ago, I had a crush on a very intelligent man. Let’s call him Mr X or better still Mr One in a Million. I didn’t know him personally and I obviously wasn’t in the same social class as him but somehow I gravitated towards him. He didn’t seem like the annoying predictable man that would ask for a nude out of the blue or worse, send you an explicit and unwarranted dick picture. He was ambitious, well-read, mysterious (he never talked about his private life), respected by his friends and acquaintances and sadly girls crushed on him as I did.
Being a late-comer to every new trend, I had just created a Twitter account and started following people I knew from Facebook. Most of the people I followed were all mutual friends with Mr X and I longed for my own friendship with him because obviously dating was a long shot. As always, one day he tweeted something smart and I decided to risk it and replied to his tweet. I waited patiently for his response but he paid me no mind and carried on tweeting like nothing happened. I took that as my cue to never tweet at him or attempt to start any conversation with him.
Unfortunately rejecting me didn’t change how I felt about him, I just pretended the feelings never existed. Four years after, my friend who knew how much I adored him privately surprised me by getting him to follow me on Christmas Day. I can’t believe the amount of times I had to pinch myself because I thought it was all a dream.
I sent him a direct message telling him how happy he made me and wished him a Happy Christmas. He was glad to hear that and wished me a Happy Christmas back. Weeks later, I gathered enough courage to send him a message. This time around we talked for a longer time but unfortunately I was not my real self with him. I felt I had to be an avid reader because he loved books (I was tweeting about books or reading a book) or I had to be very poised and sophisticated because he was such a gentleman. I eventually asked if he would like to meet up when I got back to Lagos, Nigeria. To my surprise, he agreed and said I should message him when I got back home. I was happy that I was finally meeting him but I was sad that I couldn’t be my true self with him.
I wasn’t that much of a reader and I sure wasn’t as sophisticated as Amal Clooney
I was clumsy, goofy, and extremely playful. But I was scared he wasn’t ready for the real me. American artiste, Sza, couldn’t have said it any better when she said:
Hope you never find out who I really am
’Cause you’ll never love me, you’ll never love me
You’ll never love me but I believe you when you say it like that — Lyrics from Garden (Say It Like Dat) by Sza
Note: On some days, Mr X voluntarily found himself in my Twitter mentions and I took that as a sign that everything was right
I spent months day dreaming and patiently waiting for the day I get back to Lagos so I can finally meet him. On a lovely Thursday afternoon, I got so excited that I mistakenly told an acquaintance on a phone call about my crush for Mr X. She replies saying, “Mr X? That’s my ex.” I don’t know what worried me more, the fact that I was such a talkative exposing all my secrets or that I’ve been crushing so hard on her ex boyfriend and now she knows it.
She later goes further by saying he was a “timid” kisser and she wanted a dominant boyfriend who kissed passionately and not like him. I kept thinking, “What’s wrong with this girl? At least you’ve kissed him.” I’d take this timid kisser because I actually adore him. She suggested I send him another direct message on Twitter asking for his number because waiting till I got back to Lagos was too long. I felt uncomfortable because the anxiety I got after sending the last direct message was overwhelming and I wasn’t sure I could do it again.
She told me not to worry about it and she would write a sweet message on my behalf and send to him. I was reluctant at first but I agreed and gave her my Twitter password. <- Wrong Decision
He replied twice to the message she sent through my account declining the offer. I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me. I was so scared I had ruined an opportunity to at least be his friend by allowing her send messages for me. I couldn’t get myself to admit to him that the messages didn’t come from me, I mean he might not even believe me. The next day I sent another message, which he didn’t respond to. I gave myself a breather and weeks later sent him another message, which yet again, he didn’t reply to.
I wanted to turn back the hands of time to the day we agreed to meet up and wished I never gave my acquaintance my Twitter password. I don’t blame her, I put myself in a position that made me look desperate. Weeks would go until I realize that Mr X unfollowed me on Twitter. I knew that day was coming but Lord knew it hurt really bad.
My situation made me remember an incident that happened in Plato’s Symposium, a series of speeches on Love given at a party in ancient Greece. At this party were seven philosophers: Phaedrus, Pausanias, Eryximachus, Aristophanes, Agathon, Socrates and Alcibiades who later joined them. These philosophers discuss the purpose of love; what love was; interpersonal relationships through love and what types of love were worthy of praise.
Alcibiades suddenly shows up at the symposium extremely drunk and goes to sit down. He then notices Socrates sitting next to him and yearned for him. Alcibiades was afraid Socrates would turn him down so he asked Agathon for help since they were friends but Socrates wasn’t interested. Alcibades then attempts to praise Socrates in order to seduce him but all were unsuccessful.
Socrates kept turning Alcibiades down because he wanted him to feel shame and this causes Alcibiades to reflect on himself and make him dissatisfied with his way of life. I could relate to Alcibiades’ rejection story because Mr X unrequited love not only embarrassed me, it humbled me. It didn’t make me bitter but it taught me a lot. I started taking things in my life seriously and started reading more to gain knowledge. I did all of this because my confidence went down and I wanted to feel more confident in myself. I started going to the gym because having strength empowered me. I started reading so I had my own opinions, I don’t have to pretend to be someone I am not. I was a powerhouse and I wasn’t going to hide it.
My unrequited love story taught me five things:
- It taught me that if a person doesn’t love me, I don’t love them.
- To never chase when I was the chase. I might have not been as intelligent or from the same social class, but I was worthy.
- It taught me never to talk about my non-existent love stories with acquaintances
- It made me self-analyze myself and reflect on things. e.g., becoming ambitious, learning to curb my love appetite and not sending two texts in a row
- The fact that I’ll never get the chance to be with my Mr One in A Million should kill me but it doesn’t because Mr One in A Million deserves to find his one in a million.
Unrequited love is the most painful thing in the world and if you find yourself liking someone who doesn’t like you back, I hope you truly find peace. Unlike other love, unrequited love isn’t shared, it’s all yours. They might not love you the way you want them to but the right person will at the right time. I know it might be hard but this too shall pass.
Don’t forget you’re worthy of love, you deserve happiness and all the good things of life.
Thanks for reading and if this story resonates with you, please like and tell a friend to tell a friend.
Zee is an avid reader and an aspiring author. This is her journey towards becoming a published author. When she isn’t working, you can find her in front of a computer in her Writing Lab class or asleep with a book in her hand.
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