Abused and Full of Daddy Issues

A Letter to My Dad

Dear Baba,

It’s been a while since we last spoke…

Sorry I’ve been so distant.

It’s not that I have anything against you, but rather that I don’t really have anything to say to you.

I was never really good with words.

“person wear black coat and backpack walking on sidewalk” by Ross Sneddon on Unsplash

You recently went through surgery..

I’ve been meaning to ask you how you are and if everything’s okay but haven’t been able to get myself to do so.

I’m not entirely sure if I’m ready to start a conversation with you yet to be honest.

Do you still think about us?

If you do what kind of memories are they?

Are they fond one’s?
Of us being born
Growing up
Celebrating birthdays
Adventuring around
Memories of us just existing.

If they are it’s funny or rather sad that the majority of the memories I have of you are grim.

All I remember is the abuse.

The constant screaming and fights.
The beatings and neglect.
You wishing I was never born,
or better yet

You wishing I was dead.

I don’t really remember any of the love- if there ever was any.

Was there any?

“person looking out through window” by Noah Silliman on Unsplash

You used to always be so angry,
Always mad about something.

That’s actually part of the reason I don’t let myself get angry; I’m afraid I’ll turn into you.

It’s funny you know..

I spent a good majority of my life trying to avoid you but somehow, you still ended up playing a large role in me growing up to become who I am.

Whether that’s a good thing or bad; I don’t really know yet.

It’s ironic how growing up the only sliver of happiness and peace we ever had at home was when you were away.

Couple years gone and you’re not around but I’m still not happy.

Maybe one day I will be
And hopefully you will too if you aren’t already.

Maybe one day we’ll see each other again and try to fix whatever is left of our relationship as father and son or build it anew.

Or maybe we’ll stay stuck in our ways, living out the rest of our lives- only thinking of each other when we find ourselves reminiscing back to our past lives.

Guess we’ll find out one day.

Till then, I wish you the best and hope you find a reason to smile.

Your Son,
Tiham