All the things that went wrong with us.
A truthful confession to my ex.
1. I blamed myself for everything you did.
When we were together, you would manipulate me into believing that everything went wrong because of me. I created all the mess, so I should apologize for all of it. While you emotionally abused me, I begged you to come back. The words uttered through your mouth acted like knives, wounding my heart.
Remember the promise you broke? I told you that if you hurt me again, you should never come back and ask for my forgiveness because you know that I’ll give you another chance. I really, really loved you. For that love, I have lost my dignity and sanity.
“Was it worth it in the end? You tell me”
2. I cried almost every time you yelled at me.
You would criticize me for the way I looked, the words I spoke, and the attitude I gave off. It seemed that all those traits that you once loved became a burden all of a sudden — I became a burden to you. You would say those horrible words, yet you healed me with three words: I love you. Your excuse was that you loved me too much to hurt me. Eventually, it became abusive.
Instead of bothering you, I would cry in the left corner of my room underneath blankets. You made me feel worthless, useless and unwanted.
“I had to beg you for your love until I realized it was pity”
3. You didn’t trust me, yet you broke my trust.
You didn’t allow me to talk to my friends, especially if they were guys. You thought that I would miraculously fall in love with them and leave you. I don’t know why you had that negative image of me in your mind. You never trusted me, so you asked for my passwords. You needed to track every conversation I had and every letter I typed. I don’t blame you for that one. I gave you control because I loved you. On some days, you’d get unhappy and I’d lose a few more friends until I lost them all. I secretly think you became happier because I was all yours, yet you took advantage of my trust.
My biggest fear is to be left behind by someone I love. I told you that before you even ‘liked’ me
“I warned you that I’m like a vase — I don’t just break, I shatter completely into a billion pieces and I have to pick myself together while I bleed internally”
You made up an excuse and the next day, you acted like I never existed and moved on to the next. I hope you treat her better.
4. “Words are cheap”
It took me a while to realize this, but I shouldn’t have been too naive about us. I thought we were ‘soulmates’ like you said. You promised me forever, so I thought it was an ‘infinity’. I really thought we check off every point on our bucket-lists and live through our youths with one another. I guess I was wrong, but I don’t regret it.
One lesson my friend told me was that “words are cheap”. You can say you love me, but you cannot excuse yourself for your actions. Actions speak louder than words. You told me not to cry because you didn’t like ‘depressing’ people. I wiped my tears and acted ‘fine’, but I was already dying.
“How could a person make you so happy, yet so sad? That’s a true mystery?”
5. You didn’t love me; you loved the “idea” of me.
- You loved my voice and the way I enunciated every word.
- You loved my outgoing personality, especially when I could relate to any topic you named.
- You loved the way I dressed and looked.
- You loved my near-perfect memory and the little details I noticed about you.
- You loved telling people that I was yours.
— but you didn’t love:
- my depression and mood swings
- when I didn’t agree with you
- that I needed ‘alone’ time
- that I didn’t always choose you over my friends
- me, as a person
You didn’t love my imperfections. Instead, I was your “prized possession”.
Lastly, you’re still in my heart and I can’t forget you.
I miss you from time to time, but I remember
that some people aren’t meant to be together.
You’re a chapter in my life, and I thank you
for all the happy and sad moments we shared.
❤
