An open letter to anyone considering #metooing…
…and outing themselves as a victim of sexual assault or harassment
It feels like a groundswell, doesn’t it? It feels like the right time.
Harvey Weinstein. James Toback. John Besh. Bill O’Reilly. Mark Halperin. Decrepit old George HW Bush. Hell, that’s just this week alone — serial harassers, abusers, assaulters, rapists are being held accountable, and in a very public way, for all those years of using their positions of power to maneuver women into sexual situations.
Some of the women’s stories are about how they escaped. Some of the women’s stories are about how they didn’t. You have a story too, which you’ve been keeping to yourself. Now that we’re throwing the curtains open and letting the sunlight do its disinfecting, now that there’s a hashtag, you feel like this might be the time to tell it. It feels like, finally, people might listen.
And they will. People are listening.
But let me tell you how a number of them will respond.
They will question your motives. They will wonder why you’re choosing this moment. Are you capitalizing on the fact that a veneer of respectability has been stripped away from the famous men who got caught, and are you using metaphorical tracing paper to transfer the misfortune of the rich and mighty onto the average joe you’re accusing? Is it out of spite? Did he reject you? Is that why you’re doing this now?
Why now? is what you’ll hear from some.
And then, when you turn your head, this is what you’ll hear from others: Why didn’t you tell anyone at the time? Why didn’t you say something sooner? Why did you wait so long? You obviously weren’t all that bothered by it.
This is the message you will receive: Your timing is off.
You can’t help it: You’ve spent countless sessions of self-examination and introspection wondering what you might have done to encourage him. You’ve finally come to accept, truly accept, that it is never the victim’s fault. But you had to work hard to get there, and the self-doubt still rings in your ears like echoes in a canyon. Soon it won’t be just the voice inside your head. Others will be saying it too. Why did you even _________?
Insert here any combination of the following:
1) have a drink with him after the conference?
2) go on a date with him?
3) put on makeup?
4) wear that dress?
5) smile?
This is the message you will receive: You created the situation. He was just responding to it.
People — especially men, but not always — will suspect that deep down, there’s a tiny little part of you that appreciated the attention. It’s flattering that you got catcalled; it means they found you really attractive. It was a compliment that he persisted even after you said no; it means he really liked you.
This is the message you will receive: You wanted it. You probably even liked it.
Those are the tiny parts of the whole — because on the whole, the message that will be transmitted to you is that you’re doing it wrong.
There’s no right way to be a victim. It should follow that if there’s no right way to do it, there are no wrong ways to do it. But that’s not the case here. Every way is the wrong way. Every decision you make — how much to tell or how little; whom to tell, from whom to keep it hidden; when to speak up and when to stay silent — will be deemed wrong, by someone. If you do decide to speak up, to speak out, to seek comfort and support, realize that you may not find it in the places you expect to.
But know this:
You are strong. Inside of you, there are vast, even untapped stores of strength. You wouldn’t be here without them.
You are brave. Confronting this shit, whether in public or inside your own head, is scary. You wouldn’t be here without courage.
You’re a survivor. That strength and that courage are your backbone. With them you will bear this weight, and more.
You are not alone. There are so, so many of us. We’re all doing it wrong. And yet, here we are.
Finally, know this:
We believe you.
