As We Stand in the Middle: A Need for Balancing Act
(A Letter to My Wife)
Sandeep Kumar Mishra
Dear
Although we have been living together as a married couple since 2003, ours is an unsuccessful marriage because we are not soul mates, even sometimes we act as enemies. Is it easy to love someone who doesn’t love you back? Although we made a vow that we would indeed love each other. But it is a kind of “kickback love” which can’t be called a love rather it is a business agreement. One thing amazes me that we are still together. As you won’t listen, I have portrayed my dilapidated soul suffering in the poems which I was writing for last three years. I have used some lines out of them to make you feel the agony I have undergone.
“I want to see that ebony alter ego
That will take me to my doomed future
To see if there is a break in the clouds”
When I fell in love with you, I was raw and naive and got excited when you showed some interest in me. How do I know when I start liking a person if she will become an enemy for life? With the time the situation is becoming as such that has made me emotionally and physically weak.
“I admire thy grace; thy touch razes my frights;
When your raven-blown hair radiates — shades,
I repose in your lap, night comes, the day fades
Your wondrous, hazel eyes keep me at ease,
We will love till there are stars, skies, seas”
Are we so weak that we cannot pursue different paths or are we overly hopeful to get things sorted out one day? As we live in a small society and are bound by the traditions and may be somewhat fearful of the society, we are continuously suffering, but hesitant to break up in the hope that everything will be fine some day. But this mismatch is wrongly affecting our two children. The situation has got better of me and I am going through the hell every minute. When I am upset, as is the case every other day, I don’t interact and play with them. I have turned a bad daddy for them. Sometimes, even I slap them on slight errors. They are getting away from me. Why should these poor souls suffer because of no fault of their own?
“Is there a life beyond death?
Is there a path across the sky?
We are willing sinners,
But subject to a pardon”
Through this letter, I want to tell you that love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It always protects, always trusts, and always perseveres. Love is not self-seeking, the opposite of self-seeking. If we fall into the habit of loneliness, it will become our trait of life.
“I painted an ocean
But forgot the shore
There were no ships
When I took a close look,
It was my isolation
Sailing like the sea waves”
One reason for your resentment is my irregular job. I have proved a total failure on this front. As a temporary teacher, I could not manage my financial responsibilities well. My betting habit has made the situation worse. Now I run in debt. I have to pay interest. I could not sleep at night. I have a migraine now. The other part of the problem is that I always wanted to be a writer or a painter. But to be a successful writer, you need time and most importantly, money to make yourself famous by the use of modern social media and other publishing tricks and make some friends in the publishing fraternity as this is a subjective field. I want to earn money by writing, but it is not easy and too late for me. I started to get published in 1994 but wrote only once in a while because of a troubled life since childhood. Sometimes there were gaps of 7 years between the articles.
“There is no vivacity
The vital force parasited
How I inhale life?
My days and nights are bolted”
Now the situation is such that I fear to return home, as a nag-fest waits for me behind the front door. I have thoughts to talk my feelings, but in the back of my mind, I know that you won’t either listen carefully or not going to understand it completely. So it is all inside just burning hole, making me resentful. You have an aggressive tone of voice and posture. Day and night taunt me with some kind of sarcasm or ridicule. Sometimes we don’t speak at all. I am in a constant duel with my inner self, but blaming outer resource for a defeat.
“Every night I wander around bed- town
To buy some tranquil delights homegrown,
Dark ghostly mysteries of human life
Persuade me to escape
From the day of struggle and strife
I am eager to go that land of forgetfulness,
Of that unknown territory”
As you are unaware my unhappy childhood has made me so reactive. Do you have time and heart to know my background? This flashback will help you to understand my weaknesses. We have to develop a mechanism to resolve the matter and it will save us from more years of helplessness in our marriage. Anyone could have unsuccessful marriage, but a good level of adaptation for some good and bad reasons is necessary.
“Why is my brain, a black hole?
How could it not be a universe?
I have a constellation of a migraine, tablets
Syringe, backache and insomnia,
The dream has become a dead pattern,
As worn out as a fossil led glow;
Everything has become identical
Except for the weight of consequence”
How can we call ourselves a married couple when we don’t sleep on the same bed or in the same room? I want to sit with you, pour my heart out to you, make love to you, enjoy a dinner with you at some restaurant, and go on a trip. But all these things have become a dream; In fact, when I see other happily married couples, more often than not, I feel tormented. I haven’t attended a party or visited a friend for a long time. I rarely go market. I don’t socialize. I even don’t dress properly as you see and told me many times.
“My mental wire renders
Images of worn out routes,
After a short circuit happened
In the pathways of daily burdens;
My diseased body quiver with its weight
The hard stitch rubbles skin snatchers;
Leeched of life force”
When a person is sad, the world seems nothing to him. For whom he would get dressed? Don’t you feel a bit for me? During the day, I consciously remain busy as I try to keep a distance from you. But this is also having a negative effect on my eyes and back as I sit 10–12 hours continuously on the computer. On the other side, when you are free, you think to talk, discuss, or entertain yourself with me, but we are so cut from each other that no one has the courage or humbleness to step up first.
“I will reconcile with my
Torpedo dreams,
Spasmodic heart,
Unfrequented nights,
Cantankerous days,
Jaded body
And harrowed soul”
I want to start afresh. We have to lift ourselves. We have to leave our egos aside. Many times I think to make some simple affirmations like when I go home, I will see my children and wife or we will have a good time together. But it does not happen. I need your help. Every morning we should claim a wonderful day by giving thanks or praise to each other for some work. You will feel an energy flowing within. It is biblical to say that no weapon against you will prosper, but it is human to believe that people are out to take from you.
“When faith is bright, doubts loose luster,
When wisdom grows, the tears shrink;
Every bough waits for bloom to bring,
Hope gives you chance of second spring”
You can pinpoint your views, but the tone should be cooperative. So accept differences and make them opportunities. “The body of Christ has different parts that come together in unity”. The simple solution is to look in my eyes and say, “You are not my enemy”. I am introvert but will try to show it now and then. Would some little gestures, touches, and gifts or it may be a picnic, a film a shopping time do the good?
