Being honest with myself
The hardest thing I’ve had to do.
Its hard to be honest with yourself about certain things. Especially when it’s about someone you love. Its hard to be honest with myself because I don’t want to admitt to myslef that I failed and lost the love of my life and that there is next to no chance that I will get her back.
I had to take a step back and be brutallly honest with myself about you.
I had to be honest with myself about the fact that you had moved on after just two weeks of being apart. I had to take that and bury it deep down inside me because the mere thought of you with another guy crushed me. The thought of someone else getting to touch and kiss you made me sick inside. But this was my life now and I wasn’t ready to be honest with myself about it. I had to watch you go on with life from afar.
I had to be honest with myself that I would no longer be a part of your life.
Being honest with myself was someting that I stuggled with through this time but there was a point I reached at which I thought maybe it was for the best that we broke up and that this would be a new oppurtunity for me. That feeling would fade in and out, from day to day. It was always in the back of my head that things would work out between us and we would be together again, but sadly that has not happened yet, and it may never happen.
After five months of being apart it hurts a little less each day to not have you in my life. While I’ve met new friends as a result of our breakup, I still wish I could go back to five months ago to say and do things differently but we can only move forward in time. That is what sucks about our universe. We can’t go back in time. We can’t go take things back. All we can do is ask for forgivness from the people we have hurt and try to be better as a result of our experiences.
At the start of our relationship I promised my dad that I would treat you right and I ended up breaking that promise. After our breakup I talked with my dad about what had happened and he told me that people like me don’t change. That scared me. I didn’t want to hurt another girl in the future. I promised myself that I would learn from this and never hurt future partners.
Being honest can be scary. I should know. I was reluctant to tell my parents what had happened until a few weeks after you stopped showing your face. When I was finally honest with them it was a feeling of relief. A relief from holding in my emotions and going to bed each night clutching tight onto the teddy bear you got me for Valentine’s Day and wishing that I had you back in my arms.
After a while I had to have a talk to myself and be honest about what had happened and how my life would be different. It hurt to be honest. I pushed the honesty out of my head and denied the fact that I was now alone. I denied the fact that things would never be the same between us. I denied the fact that I now had to look for someone new.
Writing about what happened has forced me to be honest with myself. It helped me see what was really going on. It made clear the fogginess of the situation. I started to move on and see things for how they really were instead of how I wanted them to be. I opened myself up to be honest with not only myself but with my family and friends.
At one point I thought to myself that I could get you back by pouring my heart out into a letter but that only brought feelings back. It did give me a sense of closure so I chalked it up as a success. The thought of getting you back still runs thru my head. I even went as far as thinking that by writing on this platform full of people in similar situations that I could get the great people of the internet to rally behind me to get you back.
I feel like I have a second chance to be honest because throughout our relationship I was dishonest. So maybe this is my chance at redeming myself on a personal level, and to work on being the best version of myself.
Being honest with yourself can seem like a battle. Being honest with yourself can help you discover yourself in a way that you might have not seen before. Being honest with myself has shown a different side of me, one that I did not know existed, until now.
