Dare to Date: What Actually Matters
A practical guide to dating for the guys who think too much and act too little.
I’m not a pickup artist, neither a love guru; just a guy next door with his own (or, better said, borrowed) dating methods, described in the further paragraphs. The article is not a magic pill (If it seems too good to be true, then it probably is.), it’s more how to get control over your dating life. How to be focused on your actions, which should be in accordance with your values and intentions, and not the final result.
Dating it’s not about getting drunk, going to the clubs and chasing girls. It’s about overcoming fears and anxieties. Acting despite them — being courageous. Approaching people you’ve been putting on pedestals for your whole life. Putting yourself on the line, facing possible rejection. Giving yourself a permission to feel awkward, even stupid. Being vulnerable — that’s who I am, that’s what I think and that’s what I want — no matter your opinion.
“Life shrinks and expands in proportion to one’s courage.” — Anais Nin
Before the approach: Don’t wait for the perfect moment.
We all know that feeling when “palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy”, even Eminem. You’ve just spotted a cute girl and thinking what to do about it. Overthinking and making up excuses:
“I’m not sure if she’s really that cute, I should wait.”
“Beer first, girls second. I should wait.”
“She’s talking to her friend, I should wait.”
“Her friend went to the toilet — but she’s checking her phone now, I should wait.”
“She finished texting — but what am I supposed to say to her? I should wait.”
“Ops, her friend is back. Maybe I shouldn’t have waited that long.”
“Shit, they’re leaving. Why have I been waiting that long?!”
The vicious cycle of excuses. Don’t listen to them. Check your intentions. Curiosity — “I would like to know her,” — is the right one. Wait for her to notice you. Not even to make an eye contact, just notice. Then stand up, look at her, forget about your stupid pickup line, and go.
Approach: She’s your biggest fan.
“When she sees you coming — and trust me, she usually sees you coming — know that she’s already rooting for you. Secretly, she wants you to succeed as much as you do. And for a moment she’s your biggest fan.” — Mark Manson
A moment later you’re next to her. Don’t complicate it; say whatever is on your mind and introduce yourself. It can be some general observations (“Hi, you look bored. Want a company?”) or your intentions (“Hi, you look cute and I want to know you.”). You can mention that this is an unusual situation for you as well (“Hi. This might be a bit awkward. But I couldn’t help myself to get to know you.”). Bottom line; say whatever the hell you want. At the end, it’s about how you say it, not what you say. Actions (and intentions) over chit-chat.
Most of the girls react really kind, some not so much. But I can guarantee you that they all appreciate it and feel flattered.
They can’t really answer anything interesting to your introduction. So unless she’s rude or directly tells you she’s in a relationship, you should continue the conversation. You have two options:
- directly ask her whether she would like to meet sometime and then ask her for a contact or
- talk to her for a while and then, in case you like her, do the first point or move things even further right on the spot.
The first one is easier but the second one is better. It allows you to get a feel for each other and connect. In some cases also to disconnect, but that’s a good thing — you don’t want to date a non-compatible girl.
What to talk about? Whatever you have on your mind and you’re curious about. Have fun — if you’re in a club: dance. Finish it whenever you feel like doing so and without any tricks or fancy lines ask her for a contact.
Rejection: Navigation to the ‘right one’
You will get rejected a lot. Mostly right after the approach. Sometimes you will face ‘seen’ and silence on the messenger. Welcome to the club.
It’s better to approach and face a rejection rather than letting the right one slip under the radar. Potential upside (finding the ‘right one’) is bigger than the downside (rejection). I would argue that even rejection has its perks. You get a lesson, sometimes a funny story. You can move on without asking yourself “what if” — you did your part.
“Of all the words of mice and men, the saddest are, “it might have been.” — Kurt Vonnegut
Here’s why rejection shouldn’t bother you:
- It’s not about you. If she rejects you, that usually tells more about her than you. She either has a boyfriend, is shy, or she thinks all people at the clubs are idiots (and forgets she’s in there too). Whatever the reason might be, it’s not your job to figure it out.
- Stop operating on other people’s perceptions/truths.
“What matters to an active man is to do the right thing; whether the right thing comes to pass should not bother him.” — Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Do your thing in accordance with your intentions. Approach, be sincere and kind. Try to have fun. That’s it from your part. You control your actions, not their reactions.
- There’s no point in pursuing or dating a girl who is not into you. Rejection is there to help you navigate trough girls who are not right for you, so you don’t waste your time on them.
Like Michael Jordan said:
“I can accept failure, everyone fails at something. But I can’t accept not trying.” — Michael Jordan
Chat: Two strikes she’s out.
You did your job of presenting yourself in person. If she liked you, you will get a date. If she didn’t, you won’t (and you also don’t want to have one) — no matter your chat game. I even think you can do more bad than good through chat, so don’t try to be Shakespeare. Keep it simple, relate to some things from your meeting (if possible) and invite her on a date within a few messages.
Chances are you get ignored. It’s easier for her (and most social beings) to ignore you on the chat than say no in person. Don’t start panicking if she hasn’t responded within ten minutes. In case she doesn’t respond, you might try again in a day or two if you really like her.
“Not responding is a response.” — Jonathan Carroll
She can respond, but then have some excuse about the date. Legitimate or made up — it’s not on you to figure it out. It’s also not on you to change her mind. It’s already too late. Give her one more chance and write her again within a few days. If she stood you up again tell her that you to feel uncomfortable asking someone out for so many times and that she can contact you in case she wants to meet.
A date: Plan, lead and have fun.
Plan your date in advance, nothing is worse than “where do you wanna go?”. Here are few basic rules to stick with when planning a date.
Don’ts:
- No cinema: The best opportunity to not have a date while you have one — you can’t even talk. Spare the movie time for your place.
- No dinner: Eating in front of each other can be awkward. Plus, it’s a cliche.
- No friends: One on one, otherwise is not a date.
Dos:
- Evening: Night has its own power. If she’s really ‘tired’, you can take her home. (Chloroform doesn’t count.)
- Doing > talking: People get connected by shared experience, not just words. You want places where you can interact and touch.
- Multiple locations: As above, more mutual experience, a deeper the level of intimacy.
Examples of locations: bowling, comedy classes, a walk in the park or a city center, galleries, dance lessons, museums, wine tasting. Do the things you enjoy — enthusiasm is contagious.
Once you’re on a date, don’t stress over it. Dates are supposed to be fun. (If they aren’t, you’re doing something wrong: probably trying too hard to please her.) And if you have fun, there is a big chance she will enjoy it as well. A bit of playful banter and teasing, in the beginning, is it good to warm things up. Then you can slowly move to the deeper topics such as her experiences, her dreams, passions, and personal stories.
It’s action time.
And somewhere during the dates you start to like each other, kiss, fall in love, have sex, marry, and have kids. Not necessarily in this order. Not necessarily all those things. Maybe none. Maybe — not maybe, for sure — you will get hurt. But you’ll be alright.
And I think this is the most important lesson of dating; realizing that it’s not a big deal.
But to come there, there’s one condition: action.
“Your role as a man is to take action. It’s all on you. It’s always on you. You move things forward.” — Mark Manson
So, when in doubt, choose to act.
Do it for yourself.
Do it for her.
Do it for the story —
it will be either for your friends or your children.
If the article wasn’t enough, I advise you to read Mark Manson’s book Models: Attract Women Through Honesty. A lot of the concepts mentioned were taken from the book. If there’s any book that saved my (dating) life, it is this one.
